Monday, June 6, 2016

When Whispers Become Your Anthem

God's been whispering this one thing over and over to me. He was initially whispering it. Then it started to be a shout. Then a scream. Now, I've accepted it as a sad, but real song. He has said -over and over again- one thing to me for many years. And yet, here I am struggling with Him.

He says, "Amber, it doesn't matter what it looks like."
I ignore. He says, "Amber, it doesn't matter."

Because sometimes what looks perfect and flawless is broken, shattered and aching. Because sometimes sloppy and messy is healthy and wonderful. Because sometimes running water is deep and pure under the still surface that we see. Because achy and sore is indicative of hard, dedicated work. Because sometimes falling apart is life coming together.

This life doesn't look how it's supposed to, right?

You're thirty and unmarried, no suitors in the periphery. You're a mama soul that's barren. You're a career woman with no prospects and an empty resume. You're a wife left on the door step of the divorce attorney's office. You're an athlete injured and unable to move. You're comprised of mess, a whole lot of mess.

This doesn't look right. 

It's ugly and torn and makes you hurt inside. It's a battlefield of maintaining smiles and avoiding public tears. It's a balance of what's true and false comforts. It's breaking and mending, hurting and healing all your livelong days. And you can't hide the bruises to your ego, to your heart, to your flesh. You can't hide them any longer.

But that doesn't matter. 

Because your feelings and circumstance don't change the Truth of Life. Because your temper and tantrums don't distract a Good, Good Father from loving you. Because your bravery and boldness can be whispers and whimpers from under the covers of your bed. Because He's not asking for any kind of looking good from you. In fact, He's asking you to admit that the way it looks doesn't matter.

The truth is: it doesn't matter because you do. 

And while life feels big and bad, you're bigger. You're His big deal. You're His child who He'll protect from the gorilla and the sword and the grace. He's aching for you, jealous for you, thrilled to call you His. He's crazy about your cowlicks, your dimpled cheeks, your insecurities and your strengths. He doesn't care how many things you've screwed up or done right. He's not asking for a resume or excuses. In fact, all He wants is for you to listen.

He's so thrilled to tell you how much you matter to Him. 

So, you're a mess. You're confused. You don't know how to explain away the suffering and the pain. You want to speak the pretty words and draw the ideal metaphors. And you don't have it in you. That doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what it looks like. Or sounds like. Or how it smells.

You matter. That's it.
You. Today and always.
You matter. 

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This post was inspired by this Bethel music song.

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