Friday, April 10, 2015

no rose questions why | an exploration of insecurity


There's something we all have, but we know not to talk about. It looks, feels, sounds different for all of us, but it's there in our lives, constant and creeping, sometimes falling dormant and then growing to the point of almost eating us alive. Though this sounds like a riddle, a sneaky, snarky joke, it's an every day reality.

Insecurities. 

They're there, always waiting, wanting, ready to woo us into some ugly ghost of our real selves. Usually I spot them on someone else far quicker than I realize their appearance in my own actions and behaviors. But, as of late, I hear a little whisper that warns me when insecurity is sneaking in and I'm putting up sarcastic walls and applying my smiling mask.

Insecurities are there, always. Like our breath and our hair and our need for water and food. Like God and love and light. Always there.

But they're not our definitions. 

We have a choice, to fall victim or to honor what's true. Those little devils on our shoulders that say "you're too small, too young, too fat, too thin" whisper angrily into our ears. We let labels fall down on us, climb into the box placed at our feet, and hedge ourselves in while pretending we don't mind.

Avoidance feels right. So we skip the skinny jeans and drink protein shakes for breakfast. We veer away from the old friend in Target before they see us and hide our red-rimmed eyes behind sunglasses. We hide in the face of new adventure and shrink back from big dreams.

But it's not those that are the most threatening. 

No, the insecurities that rock me and scare me and leave the bravest part of me rolled in a tiny, protective fetal position aren't about my body or age, but about my soul. They say things like "ugly, boring, unnecessary, replaceable, unlovable". And my soul tastes their metallic flavor like blood on the tongue.

It's those that justify my resting bitch face, my cold shoulders, my stand-offish behavior. I pretend it makes me cool, calm, aloof, and somehow more attractive and necessary in this role of living. I hide the fear I will not succeed, often riddled with jealousy of other's success. I deny any frustration with my recent (usually unimportant) shortcomings and act confident. I feel insecurities deep within my tender heart and they scare me, so I establish an outward shell in hopes of saving myself some hurt.

It's important to say they're liars.

Regardless of how true those "ugly, boring, unnecessary, replaceable, unlovable" words feel, they lie. Yes, insecurities establish their roots in teeny, tiny, almost invisible cracks and wait. They wait for the moment a shift happens and they can slip through, finding some sort of nutrition, and they grow. They grow and grow, sustained by your fear.

The struggle is real, it's something I'll fight from now until forevermore. But seeing those dark clouds on the horizon, the shadowy threat of insecurity, I get to choose: steel up to contain the scared or break open and share. May I always, always, move towards the latter.

10 comments:

  1. Gosh, I remember the days when's insecurities reigned my entire life. It literally poured into every aspect and nearly ended my courtship with my now husband. It's scary how much of a disease it is....it's hard to let go and conquer it. Thank God, that was when I was only 19....now 25 and together for 5 years....my insecurirites are long gone!

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  2. Yesssss. I spend so much time wondering when I'm going to reach the elusive place of total self-confidence that it seems so many others have. But does it even exist?

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  3. Your words. I have none. x

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  4. For me, I struggle daily. I hide it most days but others, my world caves in and I feel like I just can't do it anymore. I struggle with feeling like I'm not good enough, that I'm not worthy of being loved or happy. I really try to be positive but it can be really difficult at times. And it doesn't help that I'm mostly alone with my baggage because I don't want to burden or have people pity me.
    I wish it was simply a switch I could turn off but I can. Instead, I cope and try as best as I can.
    The world of blogging has, however, opened my eyes to so many like-minded, caring and genuine souls whom I've never met but I cher

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  5. I cherish this. I cherish this message and heart because it speaks volumes of Truth and goodness and relatability. It says, "I am human and I feel the same feels as you." And then it points is towards a better route of choice. I want to choose that route.

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  6. Yes, those days where our worth was determined by some spinning dial of doom! :) I completely hear you... And I'm thankful for the growth too... But some days in the process were so painful that I thought they'd NEVER come to an end! :)

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  7. I don't think it does... Or at least, I think that it's an ever present journey of reminding ourselves of all the things that make us worthy (because there are SO MANY.) I feel like it's a balancing of our minds form a place of over-criticalness to humble affection... Now, HOW DO WE DO IT?

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  8. You are a ray of blessed light in my day.

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  9. It is a daily struggle. I think being about to recognize that might be our first step in this all! It seems to be made into a journey that ends at a place of complete acceptance, but I don't know that anyone is ever there all the way on all the days. In fact, I think that anyone who says they are might be unaware of some of their own inner critiques!


    So, we swing to and fro and just appreciate the help and reminders on the days when the mean words in our mind are bigger than the nice ones. :)

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  10. Yes.


    I am human. And I feel the same feels as you.


    And, I hurt and cry and hope and smile the same too.


    Because sometimes we think we're the only ones.

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