Monday, November 24, 2014

saying thanks [a marriage letter]


Jason, 

We've had one of those weeks they warned us about in premarital counseling. One of those weeks where we just can't catch our rhythm  where homeownership and it's responsibilities weigh on us, where life's circumstance is heavy and we're tired of carrying the yoke, where we both want to cry out in frustration, but we've got our game faces on. We've had one of those weeks. 

And we spent more nights being tired and annoyed with one another than I'm really willing to admit. But then we decided our marriage is number one, is more important, is the most life-giving than any of the troubles and circumstances we were trying to tackle. We decided it's not about who's right, who's wrong, or where life started being unfair but instead, we decided, our marriage comes first. 

We stood stressed out in our bedroom before work. You were tying shoes, I was applying makeup. And we said "our marriage is more important" back and forth. We both breathed blessed sighs of relief, exchanged good byes kisses and high fives and then we moved on. It wasn't simple in the beginning, but it was in the end. 

Finally, that night, I asked for what I'd needed for days. I admitted I'm spoiled, that I can't stand when we're off, and that I needed your dry humor and sick wit back. I told you I wanted to laugh hard about The Colbert Report and compare notes over Cops and sip Starbucks Christmas blend from our mismatched mugs. And you laughed, and you joked, and you just did as you do. And I didn't say it in those moments, but thank you. 

Thank you for deciding what's important with me. Thank you for saying this yoke is too heavy and letting me take some of the load. Thank you for making mistakes with hands so busy holding one another, there's nothing left to point out blame. Thank you for belly laughs and TV dates and surprise selfies on my phone. Thank you for being easy on my heart and soul and, most obviously, on the eyes. 

A spirit of thanksgiving is easy with you around. 

Always grateful for you and to be yours,
amber
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These letters are the brainchild of Amber C. Haines and her husband, Seth. While they take a break from writing them, I'm choosing to continue on my own. I write to remember mundane moments that would otherwise slip away, to hold tight to him, and to remember how life looks right now at this very moment, plus the chance for these letters to shed light on our marriage before children for our children because they won't know us as newlyweds otherwise.

33 comments:

  1. I admire your guys' marriage very much. You work through the tough times and it's a beautiful thing. Thank you for that.

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  2. I needed this today. Adam and I were both in a funk last night and this was a beautiful reminder that marriage is so much bigger than our funks! Thanks.


    -Kate
    www.theflorkens.com

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  3. What.is.in.the.water. I was snappier and more selfish than I'd care to admit last week. But I'm never quite as quick to apologize as you are. LOVE THIS. LOVE YOU. Thanks for making me cry ;)

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  4. What a great letter. Life can be so daunting sometimes, but having someone to share the load makes it easier, adn more fun.

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  5. what a lovely letter and thought. my husband and i go through funks sometimes and we used to struggle with getting through them but now one of us makes a joke and says i dont wanna fight and we both calm down. i am definitely stubborn and a grudge holder but i eventually realised its just not worth it. i dont want to waste my life, or marriage, by being unhappy!

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  6. I love love love this. So raw and real, like marriage really is.

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  7. What a beautiful reminder! I think one day you should compile these marriage letters into a book and also, I love your wall gallery.

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  8. You always manage to make me more grateful for my marriage, just through a simple, love-filled letter. Such a beautiful reminder.

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  9. so beautiful and makes me so anxious to read your book because I love your writing. I just finished a chapter in Cold Tangerines where she talks about the battle with writing and I smiled and thought of you!!
    This letter was perfect and I just love this little space of your house!!
    xo

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  10. Oh girl, AMEN. This week was rough on us too. I learned a lot about grace over the past few nights. I'm not sure what got into us, but I hope we can put away our silly differences and petty fights and realize there's something bigger to be thankful for--our marriage and the love between us. Thank you for that reminder, sweet girl. You've got a way with words that always stops me and makes me think, and I'm thankful for that too.

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  11. Somehow you always find the sweetness of marriage in its difficulty, and my prayer is when I'm married, I'll do the same. I can't imagine how hard marriage must be, and sometimes that breaks open in ugly, but yours, Amber (& Jason), is breathtakingly beautiful.

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  12. Dearest Amber, it is never easy to fight with the person you love, and there is never a simple solution. I'm proud that you and J have found a common ground and remember that your LOVE means more than anything or any words. Keep thankful each day for one another and the love you share. As always, thanks for keeping it raw and reminding us what love can conquer. -Lena

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  13. Love this so much. Andy and I totally fall into these funks, too. And finally one of us will say "It's too hard being grumpy, can we love each other again?" You guys are precious and I want to double date.

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  14. Thank you for your honesty in this post. I needed to hear this and how it relates to my own relationship right now. Thanks so much for sharing!

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  15. I absolutely needed to read this today. My husband & I have had a tough few days and some days I just forget what is truly important. Thank you for this wonderful reminder today!

    xoxo
    Amanda

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  16. Ugh, the terrible funk. Why does it seem to sneak up on a whole group of married friends and mess ya'll up at the SAME time?!? :) You two do marriage such beautiful justice -in my humblest of opinions. :)

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  17. I have a turquoise journal to jot them down in and keep... But of course I have yet to write anything down. ERG.

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  18. Your marriage is a beautiful, precious thing friend. As is your soul.

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  19. I'm not that quick to apologize. Really. Even ask Jason. But usually once I apologize I do it a few times for safekeeping. :)

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  20. Life can be SO DAUNTING. Thankfully, we get to share it with people because HOW would we ever do this all alone?!? :)

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  21. "I don't want to waste my life, or my marriage, by being unhappy!" -yes, love. This is PERFECT. I think it's really easy to get up on a soapbox against our spouses or friends and then we're so busy defending and fighting that we forget we're on the same team... Not worth it for a MINUTE. :)

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  22. Oh goodness you're so kind to me. ALWAYS. I'm just hoping the plethora of words that'll be the book will be half as easy to string together as these were. :)

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  23. Grace. I think grace is the biggest thing marriage has done for me. And yet it's the thing that I have found I struggled the most in giving, accepting, cherishing in life. I guess watching someone else work through grace helps me out... Though some days I JUST WISH I DIDN'T HAVE SO MUCH TO LEARN. :)

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  24. You will. I'm so confident in the way you'll see the challenges as growth opportunities and find reflections of Him in there too. Your heart is focused like that as is and it's my favorite thing about being your friend. :)

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  25. I'm glad you stumbled upon it today. Sometimes timing is the best thing for me, a reminder that I'm not perfect, that a spirit that is humble is vital, that I haven't got it all figured out. :) Give a little hug to your husband today. That'll fix many things! :)

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  26. You're so welcome girl. So welcome. I find myself so thankful for the way we get to share in the lives and marriages of our friends. Without it, there'd seem to be such loneliness in our struggles and funks.

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  27. Let us double date to the tune of wine and queso and burritos. YES?


    Also, IT IS WAY TOO HARD TO BE GRUMPY.

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  28. I just heart you Lena, you and your baby girl who I CANNOT wait to see! :)

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  29. You always have strong, good words to say to me. Thank you, Amber! Reading posts like this helps me to look at marriage as a constant opportunity for growth even as I'm single.

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  30. Awww, back at ya babe. I read your blog whenever I need a bit of inspiration. Baby Girl is kicking around and baking, waiting to splash the world with a smile!

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