Monday, November 10, 2014

on radio silence



Writing a book looks beautiful -paper mounds, highlighters, a rainbow of pens, coffee mugs, plates of crumbs. It looks beautiful and messy with all the notes and rewrites and bits and pieces of novel thoughts -it looks like life. And, like life it can feels clunky, ill-fitting, slow and frustrated.

There's that first draft: pure shit. It's heavy, mundane, drudgery. It's embarrassing, terrifying really. It's the worst thing you've ever gone and written, makes you wonder what ever possessed you to tackle this sort of task, shakes your confidence to its core and begs you to just give up already.

Then there's all the drafts after that: ombre drafts. Each version gaining a little bit more clarity, looking more lacy and beautiful, no longer sack-dress. Each version blossoming slowly, but definitely from ugly duckling to gorgeous hawk-bird, awesome in feather and flight.

And one day, there's an end. A book that is read -if you're lucky by someone more than your mother and best friend- and cherished and maybe even quoted in a beautiful graphic on Pinterest.

Writing a book is a growing process that looks exhausting, soul-sucking, and, yet, rewarding -like life. It's hard, it's easy, it's charming, it's devastating. And like life, it's individual with no two experiences identical but with so many moments communal.

My process has been silent. The radio is on, but He's not transmitting. And in the beginning when he wouldn't talk the silence terrified me. It left me sad, pouty, purely indignant of His presence because I want His words to shower down upon me.

I mentioned my disdain for silence once. How it makes me desperate and honest and vulnerable and afraid. I feel like He's sitting, looking, taking it all in and I don't want to know His conclusion. Because I've convinced myself that in noise, He won't see my flaws and mistakes. In noise I can distract myself from His face when He sees my competitive tendencies, my judgmental words, my poisonous jealousy.

But like that book that's best read, contemplated, and edited in the kind of deafening silence that burns in your ears, so am I. His concentration isn't foiled by noise, but my listening is. His ability to see me for the hot mess that I am isn't mussed up in the airwaves, but my reception of His loving, constructive tone disappears.

The comfort of noise is ignorance. Radio silence is bare, stripping me of distraction, requiring my patience. Hope, erasure and reworking, red ink, notes in the margins, and sentence long mark outs. The process of perfecting happens quietly, painstakingly. It's exhausting, soul-sucking, and, yet, rewarding.
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Thank you to my muse and the inspiration behind this piece: none other than the gorgeous (inside and out) Juliette -who is better than Romeo's. 

26 comments:

  1. 1. I absolutely cannot wait to read your book! I mean, a whole book of stuff like that post? YES PLEASE. 2. It's so cool how you're seeing a time of silence as intentional - how you're recognizing that He's using it to grow you rather than leaving you hanging.

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  2. Can I just pre-order now? #kthanks


    -Kate
    www.theflorkens.com

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  3. 1. Have I mentioned that I just love the pictures you take for your posts?
    2. What will your book be about? You are so dedicated to finishing it, congrats and keep up the great work!

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  4. I'm with Kate. Put me on the preorder list.

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  5. Like so many of your posts, I want to print this out, frame it, and hang it on the wall. And also keep it in my pocket to read whenever I need to. I CANNOT WAIT to read your book! And to hang out with you (AND YOUR MOM) in our blanket scarves.

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  6. Silence makes me uncomfortable. It puts me in that place where I HAVE to do something, and it's raw and awkward, and embarrassing. But I think He gives us those silences for a reason--it's not by coincidence by any means. He knows what it does to us and knows what it brings out in us. And He sits, waiting quietly and patiently, knowing the beauty that's going to spring up. Can you imagine His anticipation in the silence? With bated breath, He waits for us. I love that.

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  7. I love this because it's true. Writing a book looks a lot like life. It's messy and crazy and full of edits and mistakes and sometimes silence, but it'll all there to create something beautiful.

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  8. Beautifully written, as always. I'm with Rachel all the way - I think the time of silence is meant to draw something out of you, for you to realize what you’re capable of, maybe. I CAN’T WAIT TO READ YOUR BEAUTIFUL BOOK.

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  9. yay writting a book! I have tried a few times, but get stuck in the drudgery of it all. good for you for still working on it.

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  10. Wow you're writing a book! Something that I can only imagine would be so tough and testing on your mental state.


    What I can relate to is the comparison and confidence-shaking. I started my own photography business in September, after doing free shoots for six months and man is that a test on your own value and worth. There's the doubt and the questioning and the 'why did I think I could do this I'm not good enough' going on. But once you get past those thoughts, which of course can come back at any time, there's the excitement and the 'OMW I can't believe I'm actually doing this!!' And the passion floods back. And you remember the 'why'. The 'how' might not always be clear but it is there, and it will always be there if the passion is present.


    Good luck with your book, I can't wait to hear more :)

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  11. I'm hoping it's at least half full of good stuff like this... And the other half can be filler. :)


    Silence has always been REALLY hard for me, but lately what's hard seems to be what attracts me most.

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  12. You. Gosh. No words for the way I appreciate you.

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  13. Oh gosh thank you! They're mostly from my Instagram... Which isn't original,but hey, it's not stock images either!


    The book is about hope. In all the ways it can be about hope. And all the hope-y questions.

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  14. Well, that is a bigger than big compliment.

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  15. Duh. I mean, assuming is dangerous, but you're precious and there.

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  16. <3. From you, so much appreciation from me.

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  17. Let's frame it in sparkle frames and make the boys love all the glittery goodness.


    Too much?

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  18. Silence is exhausting. Like you have to wait, be still, and well, I hate the dentist for those reasons so why would I want to live in that. But, I do because refinement. And, well, being refined sucks but it doesn't. I hope I'm making some minor sort of sense. :)

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  19. There is SUCH drudgery in it. No doubt at all. It's such a process of working together AND working alone which is SO challenging because of the constant need to balance, balance, balance.

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  20. Um, yes, you are SO PERFECTLY spot on with this. It's just like life, exhausting and scary, yet rewarding. How is yours going?

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  21. I CAN'T WAIT TO READ YOUR BOOK WRITTEN BY A BEAUTIFUL AUTHOR. So there's that.


    Also, can you come to CA and be ANYTHING but silent with me for a while?

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  22. Oh yes SO MUCH like I want this to work, but what does working look like when it's so solo... That is precisely how it feels! :) And yet, the reward feels so sweet knowing that the pursuit was fruitful and in the right direction, I imagine you know just what that's like! :)

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  23. "The comfort of noise is ignorance." So much truth to that. Thank you! xo

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  24. My name is Natasha Johnson I live in Canada, and i got married four months ago. My husband and I have been living a very happy and lovely life. So as time went on, I began to notice this strange attitude that he was possessing. He was now going out with other girls, to the extent that he was no longer picking up my calls, and he was not even sleeping in the house anymore. I became confused and didn't know what to do anymore. So i became worried and stranded, that brought so many thoughts into my mind, because I have never experienced a thing like this before in my life.

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    Moreno, he also told me that once my heart desire has been granted unto me that i should go and testify of his work right here on the internet. Right now I am the happiest woman on earth today as I am writing this testimony, and I want to really thank "Dr Brave" for bringing back my husband, and for bringing joy and love to my family. So my greatest advice for you out there who your husband or your wife is acting strange or behaving the same way like this, or you have any problem with your relationship or anything related to do with spell casting, is for you to go and visit this man anytime, and i assure you that he will be of help to you, and I am 100% sure that he will solve it out.

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