Monday, October 6, 2014

say something. please for the sake of all that is holy, say something.

Like all the comments on the YouTube video, I thought "Say Something" was all about breaking up. That is, until I actually watched, and wept over the old couple living out the till death do us part vow. And I realized, it's such a big song, with such a huge statement, so much more than a break-up (though it works there too). 

I kept playing the song on my way to work and raising not only my voice to sing along off tune, but also my hands. Lifting them in a sort of messy, exhausted worship of Him. Lifting them like I don't do in church or anywhere else because I'm not in that easy part of faith right now. Turns out Christian bands don't have a monopoly on soul-shaking, faith-revealing lyrics.

My post about the accidental worship song A Great Big World & Christina Aguilera sing (there are many others who do it justice). Because, there's dark, heavy words in here and it jams up my ability to sew together a beautiful introduction, here it is. 

I encourage you to play the song while you read and then a million times thereafter. 
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Say something, I'm giving up on you. | I'll be the one if you want me to. 

God, do you hear me? Please hear me. Should I scream? Chant? Just never stop. Do I write it down? Immortalize it everywhere? I need you to hear me God. Deeply need you to hear me. I want to move, to understand, to hold out, but your silence is eerie, terrifying, making me feel forgotten. Did my prayers slip through the cracks God? 

Any where I would have followed you | Say something I'm giving up on you. 

You take care of things in the bible God. You part seas, you dry floods, you bless in barrenness. Where are you now, God? I've pleaded for your mercy, for your leading, for you to do things for me. Faith small as a mustard seed can move mountains. I don't need a mountain moved, just a little answer, just a date, a time, a limit. That's it God. All I need is to hear you, to know you're paying attention. Just a little answer. 

And I am feeling so small | It was over my head | I know nothing at all. 

It's not about me, is it? It's about you. All about you. I'm frustrated, sad, feeling like giving up, but that's all about me, not a lick about you. It's not about your immense strength, your undeterred patience, your willingness to carry me, to keep me keeping on, to say something just when I've grown despondent and desperate. You don't change because I do, you don't bend under the weight of my weariness, you don't fluctuate with my array of emotions. 

And I will stumble and fall | I'm still learning to love | Just starting to crawl. 

You've mastered this craft. This growing, learning, loving. You created it, you set the stage, provided the potential, molded the game. And I, I am hardly moving, just barely progressing, but you don't mind. You see those millimeters I've managed to pass in the last day and that's enough for you. You cherish the sheer exhaustion I have from the exertion despite a nearly invisible shift. I need your encouragement and cheering. Wave my banner high God. Help me to see it. 

Say something I'm giving up on you. | I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you. 
Any where I would have followed you | Say something I'm giving up on you. 

How is it that you aren't giving up on me? This disease, it shakes my faith in all the wrong ways. It makes me mad, so deeply and darkly mad at you. But you don't mind. You hear my threats and you see the desperation and you pat me on the back. In the midst of sobs, you rub my shuddering shoulders and sing over me. You hum -constant, comforting- as your warm presence floods all five of my senses. You know I'm not really, truly mad at you. No, I'm mad at me.

And I will swallow my pride | You're the one that I love | And I'm saying good-bye. 

I'm saying good-bye, not to you, but to me. To my fleshy dependence on my judgment, to my desire to know your timing, your purpose, to require knowledge without space for faith. I'm kissing my journey to be the best, the whole package, the quintessential woman good-bye, and welcoming a humble living out of my deep dependence and bottomless love for you. I'm admitting I don't know, exposing my wounds, and letting hope heal.

Say something I'm giving up on you. | I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you. 
Any where I would have followed you | Say something I'm giving up on you. 


God, say something, anything. Say you're here, say you're fixing things, say you've got this all under control. God, say it because I've given up on my efforts and answers. Say something, God, because you can, because you offer beginnings and you will bring ends, because you are. Say something. 

13 comments:

  1. absolutely stunning.
    i love when i can take an "every day song" and see how God can use it to move my heart.
    Also, i know of a lot of really solid christian bands that have in depth lyrics and soul-moving words - for some reason they aren't weighing down the christian radio stations ---

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  2. One of my favorites that I've ever "previewed" and one of my favorite live. You have such a gift for words -- they reach right to my soul! Keep writing my friend. Always.

    -Kate
    www.theflorkens.com

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  3. AMEN to all of these things. I often find worship in music that isn't Christian too. God definitely speaks to me most clearly through music and worship! Love this so.

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  4. Love this! You should look up this song as covered by Worshipmob. It's excellent and they wrote another chorus at the end that is from the perspective of God to us. It's awesome!

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  5. "I'm saying good-bye, not to you, but to me. To my fleshy dependence on my judgment, to my desire to know your timing, your purpose, to require knowledge without space for faith."
    Holy Beauty. I have no words, but an agreeing heart. Thank you for sharing your raw and vulnerable heart.

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  6. Wow - Amber. I always thought of this song as a break up song, but after watching the video (and boohooing all over my lunch), it's like Autumn said. Powerful on so many levels, just like you.

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  7. Oh wow, Amber...as I sit here with tears in my eyes, I don't even know what to type in this comment...but I HAVE to comment because your post...it's so unbelievably moving. As always, such incredible writing with real, raw emotion. Thank you for making me see this song in a different light (I'd never watched the video)...and thank you for being so real and inspiring.

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  8. amen & amen. your words and insight cut to the soul. thanks for sharing your heart so genuinely.

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  9. gosh.. your posts never seem to disappoint! i love this song and how you make us look at it in a new light!!

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  10. Oh Amber. I don't know that I have the right words now, but oh. This is so powerful and beautiful and speaking straight to my soul. Thank you for sharing your heart and your words. You have touched me so deeply with this.

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  11. this is one of my favorite posts you've ever written...hands down. so so good lady, and oh so poignant.

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  12. I am in love with this post. So amazing! I've always love this song and now I love it even more.

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  13. How I was able to get my husband back from those home breaker

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