Wednesday, September 10, 2014

they told me...


They told me we'd fight about money. They didn't mention all the other things we'd fight about. How I'd be so annoyed with your mellow reaction to everything or how hard it'd be for you to be patient with all my feelings. Or how we'd learn so quickly that money fixes nothing and love covers all things. How you and your love would be more valuable to me than all the shoes in the land. How I'd long to be respectful of you, of us as a team, before all else.

They told me not to go to bed angry. They didn't tell me that I'd lay awake in the middle of the night and be unable to remember the fight, instead, I'd be drowned in the sound of your steady breathing. The way your stable breath reminds me of your calming soul, your gentleness, your humor, everything so steady and comfortable as a home for my wild heart. They didn't tell me that there are worse emotions to take to bed, like sadness or missing or loneliness. Those keep me awake, feeling alone in a bubble of emotion, wishing for you to bring some reminder of calm for my restless soul.

They told me to share everything. They didn't tell me you don't need me to talk about monotony until your ears begin to bleed. Or how intimate it feels to sit silently together on the couch, arms and legs intertwined. Or that girl friends are the ones who will analyze the Real Housewives over a glass of wine with me and the dudes will peacock at softball with you. How some things are best mine, and others yours. Like the dog (mine), the tortoise (also mine), the tools (all you).

They told me not to eat dinner around the TV, instead, always at a table for conversation. They didn't tell me that we'd watch Cops and Restaurant Impossible and The Colbert Report together as we eat and analyze and learn. How we'd refer to what Robert Irvine would think of this restaurant or that. How we'd come to know police codes and compete to know them best. How we'd talk through current events even though we both know that I'm too scared to watch the heartbreak and horror that is our news.

They told me that I was marrying, not simply you, but your family. They didn't tell me that in-laws are blessings. Like another sounding board, another listening ear, another source of advice. How we'd share in sibling moments that are united by marriage, not blood, and, yet, are equally precious. That sometimes we'd be overwhelmed by how much family we have cumulatively, all the celebrations and traditions, the way love just seems to exponentially grow en masse.

They told me sex is fun, but it's learned. They didn't tell me how it's just a fraction of the ways in which love is expressed. Like how you leave your sweaty clothes to dry out so the laundry room doesn't smell or how I time my mornings to see you off and evenings to welcome you home. Or how a random date night spruces up the monotony of our work week or walking the dog in the evening light feels romantic and mellow or walking on Sunday mornings is more bonding than exercise.

They told me a good marriage requires hard work. They didn't say it's work that you don't always realize you're doing. That sometimes hard work feels rewarding, strengthening, even fun. That it bears fruit we get to enjoy together, rather than alone. That we'd be working relationship muscles we didn't even know we'd have and just when we'd feel toned and developed a new group of muscles would surface.

Now all they're telling me is it's time for babies. But what did they ever know about us anyway? 

Jason, 
Thanks for being so much more than what they said you'd be.
There's no one else I'd rather spend the rest of my life hiking to, fighting with, and loving on. 
Three years has been the best Costco-size taster of this lifelong marriage thing with you. 
All jokes and ill-fitting words aside, my heart beats to love you like Him.
Always yours,
amber 

38 comments:

  1. Happy 3 years to you guys! Every marriage is so unique, it would be hard for anyone to really give accurate advice--we all have our unique joys and struggles within marriage, but it can be such a good, a very good thing.

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  2. This is absolutely beautiful. When we got married people gave us tons of advice and we have learned so much for every person and every situation. Your writing amazes me everytime.

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  3. Beautiful. You two are doing things YOUR way and that's the most important/best way. Happy anniversary!

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  4. Love love love this. Definitely a take on marriage worth reading. The handling of the day to day is what makes each marriage both undefinable and worth it. Happy three years!

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  5. I never comment, but oh my heart! This is beautiful :)

    I hope I find someone like you've found yours :) This is enchanting but so very real to read. Thank you for sharing.

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  6. As a newlywed barely starting to learn - love, love love this.

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  7. What a beautiful post! You said it all perfectly! I was adamant about not eating in front of the TV together, but like you said, we found shows that taught us things. We now both love cooking so much more and learn from Chopped, Top Chef and Restaurant Impossible. TV has brought us closer, which sounds funny huh?

    We just celebrated our first anniversary this past weekend and it's been the best year, but also a year of learning. I know there will be more peaks and valleys, but I know with my husband by my side I can do anything.

    Happy three years to you!

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  8. Katie @ A Beautiful Little AdvSeptember 10, 2014 at 7:04 AM

    Happy Anniversary. Your words are so raw and honest. Marriage is one of the biggest blessings and biggest mysteries. Much love.

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  9. This is so wonderful! Happy anniversary :)

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  10. I just love this so much.

    http://waitingformeg.blogspot.com

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  11. Happy Three Years!!! and thank you for sharing such a BEAUTIFUL post! That last sentence, wow.

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  12. This is an amazing post!!!! So well written and so true! Happy anniversary you two :)

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  13. Always makin' me cry. ALWAYS. Happy Anniversary, Thomas family! :-) Your love is an inspiration.

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  14. YES YES YES. This is perfect. Being a newlywed, I can vouch for all of these tips we got--and I can also agree that they left out a lot to the story. But marriage is beautiful. I still can't believe how lucky I am, even though it's challenging and crazy, it's wonderful. Happy 3 years to y'all, sweet friend. Your love is beautiful!

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  15. Wow - love this post!!

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  16. Happy 3 years! This is such an amazing post, so beautifully written. As someone who is engaged, I am looking forward to all of the things you mentioned, it is so nice to see the trials and triumphs in others in what I am about to endure.

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  17. Amber... I have no words. This is SO beautiful and honest!!

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  18. This is so beautiful. Happy anniversary!

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  19. I LOVE this Amber!
    Beautiful words! :)

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  20. happy anniversary lady love. i love this take on the marriage advice. it's exactly how i feel (i always thought i was just stubborn, but now you make me think that this is wise...so thank you) and i love to see your take on it.

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  21. Girl I love this. Love love love this so much. Everyone does throw out ALL kinds of advice, and while a lot of it is good, each and every relationship is unique and different and it's up to each couple to find the thing that works for them.

    Beautiful post...as always :)

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  22. I just went back and read "don't go to bed mad" and I couldn't agree more. When I am tired I am a cranky disaster, everything seems like a huge deal and I can't let anything go. More often than not if we are arguing at night time we just go to bed and in the morning we are closer because of it. Whoever is offering the "don't go to bed mad" advice clearly has a different temperament than I do.


    Everyone means well with their advice, but at the end of the day every person and every relationship is different and whatever works for one couple doesn't necessarily work for another.

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  23. what a beautiful post. Happy anniversary!

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  24. THIS was simply beautiful . . . there are no other words . . . and even that is an understatement. God bless the two of you and your life together. :)

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  25. And you have done it again. I love how you express marriage! I can't ever put it in words like you can but I completely understand what you are saying..marriage is so much more than they ever tell you. :) thanks for sharing!

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  26. This is amazing and beautiful. So well written - thank you so much for sharing :)

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  27. <333 This post is absolute beauty!!!

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  28. This is one of THE most beautiful posts I have ever read. At first, I was concerned when I just read the preview that this wasn't going to be a happy post. But instead if is so happy and joyful and beautiful. Happy anniversary to y'all!

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  29. I'll echo what others have said and say that you write the most BEAUTIFUL posts and I feel grateful that you post them on the internet and allow us all to read your words and thoughts! Thanks and a very happy anniversary! :-)

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  30. This is so beautifully written! Happy Anniversary! :)

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  31. This was so, so beautiful. I'm speechless! Happy anniversary :)

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  32. This is just absolutely beautiful! It's so well written and heartfelt... Love!

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  33. Although I'm not yet married, I absolutely loved this. Will bookmark until the time comes for me :)

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  34. Love this. Happy Anniversary to two people who inspire me daily and give me hope in this wacky world. May God bless you in all your days and provide great love and happiness throughout your lives!!!!

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  35. Happy Anniversary!! I love your take on this post and you expressed it beautifully.

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  36. This is too beautiful to even put into words. You are so talented and such an incredible writer, and I'm not married to you or anything but I bet you're a pretty kick-ass wife. This post is perfect, you're awesome, I can't wait to read your book, the end goodbye.

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