Wednesday, June 11, 2014

grief is like the sea

Grief is like the sea. It comes in. It goes out. In tides it ripples along the shores of our lives sometimes low and nonthreatening, other times high and in wild pursuit of all the dry land.

Lately, it pursues me unruly and vicious. As we exit the elevator and enter the hallway of his unit, I feel it raising the hair on the back of my neck with a chilly breeze that says I'm here today. As the caregiver recognizes us and points us in his direction, those hairs react, standing, spiking like an urchin attempting protection. As we turn the corner and rouse him from a light sleep in the recliner, the breeze transforms and blows me right into the water -a boat capsized in grief.

Grief is like the sea. Offering refreshment and cleansing through an antiseptic burn.

The boat is flipped and I feel that burn at the back of my eyes. The burn that's similar to salt water kissing a fresh wound -refreshing and cleansing but still, a burn. The water, salty and cool, emerges. Dripping from my eyes, pooling on my mascara, running down the smooth sands of my rosy cheeks. It's a relief over the dry of the shores -physical and emotional. High tide is welcome by the sands, the sea animals, the beach dwellers. Only the sandcastles are threatened, but in their destruction comes the chance for new construction upon the shores.

Grief is like the sea. Pretty atop the surface and teeming with mysterious beauty beneath. The depths of grief hold life more unknown than understood.

Lately, I'm a free diver delving deeper and deeper into the pressurized darkness. But it's different this diving. It's illuminated in a new way where I can see all that lives despite the unfavorable conditions. Little silver schools flitting about flashing slivers of hope. Ugly fish with bright lights affront their rocky heads. Eight legs unified to propel one of the wonders of the sea. The pressure pushes upon my ear drums and, while I want to focus on the beautiful beings down here, distracts me. Oh my ears, they ache, yet I'm diving, holding my breath, searching for that one sight that'll assure me it's worth it down here.

Grief is like the sea -full of ripples from all that lives below its surface.

Despite the obnoxious air conditioning commercial that's playing on the radio, I miss him deeply as I pull off the road into the dirt where I meet the tractors and diesel engines and construction men. I feel small schools of fish bringing sadness to the surface like a bubble of air wishing to meet the atmosphere. The burn is contained in that bubble, it's attempting to once again cleanse my soul while washing away my mascara and reddening my lids. I long for the tide to wane, to move far from my sandcastle, to follow the moon out of my sight. While I sit on the shore taking in such an expanse of emotion, power, and depths, I believe that grief is like the sea -a body with equal parts beauty and mystery.

Yes, grief is like the sea. 

9 comments:

  1. This is beautiful and heart-breaking all at the same time...how true it is. It comes and goes, overwhelms you at times, and leaves you in awe every time. Prayers over you, sweet friend!

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  2. This post is beautiful as are you and your soul. Grief is so personal and yet so universal because at some point, we all must face it. Know that you aren't swimming alone my friend and I'm always here with a life vest if you just want to float for awhile and rest your weary legs...

    -Kate
    www.theflorkens.com

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  3. I just want to squeeze you. Know that I'm always around if you want to talk; heck, you can even text me and I'll send you silly GIFs and emojis! Big, big love friend!

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  4. Agreed! That is all I can say to this. So beautifully put!

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  5. You write so beautifully my friend. Such honesty, such bravery and so raw. Sending you the biggest hugs and loves x

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  6. Beautiful post, girl. I think this is written in such a way that all of us can relate to it, even if we aren't struggling with this exact situation. I agree with Katie- grief is universal and I find comfort in your posts about it.

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