Wednesday, April 30, 2014

it's good i'm not married to me. but if i was…

Sometimes I ponder as I drive home from work. I think about things like running and work and life and faith. Sometimes I think about Jason and our marriage. I imagine our kids and our future and how wild and crazy and love-filled things will be. Sometimes I wonder what it's like to be someone other than me. I wonder what it's like to live in Africa, to work on a boat, to brave driving in the snow, or to be married to me. 

I wonder if I'm pleasant. If it's exciting to come home from work to me. If I can be frustrating. I'd wonder what it looks like when I'm all bundled in bed at night, how the bathroom smells when my soap and perfume dance together in my wake, the feeling of my wild, blond hair feels between the tips of two fingers. 

Then I think, if I was married to me, what would I see, do, say. I think, would I be able to handle all the emotions, words, noise. I think, oh how would I be, if I was married to me. 

If I was married to me, I'd be tired of watching her look in the mirror at those parts where she can't find beauty. I'd watch her pinch that extra around her middle and I'd want to tell her, it's beautiful, it's unnoticeable because I'm too busy being enchanted by the inside beauty. 

If I was married to me, I'd overflow with pride for the strength in that little woman beside me. Because though, at times, it makes me wince as she stands up for herself in bold, strong ways, I'd know she can hold things together should the proverbial shit ever hit the fan and life grow challenging. 

If I was married to me, I'd still be surprised by the tattoos. Surprised in the way a little peek of lace is: sexy, yet demure. Demanding attention, yet gentle. The way I'd adore them would be greater than a man like me, untattooed and afraid of needles, should. It'd surprise me to find myself staring at them in the best way that staring is -loving, affectionate. I'd wonder when that wonder should wear off and they'll be commonplace. I'd hope commonplace isn't ever word to describe her. 

If I was married to me, I'd ask all those questions over and over again. I'd ask about her books, her TV shows, her bible study. I'd ask -not because it's all interesting (especially those damn housewives)- but because she is interested. Because her feelings and excitement and ability to maintain endless conversation about them is infectious. I'd lean into those superfluous seeds of conversation that turn into rhetorical questions and a mini-intellectual journey to "decide" on our answer. 

If I was married to me, I'd know that helping with dinner means sitting on the couch and talking while she works. I'd pour my glass of wine and entertain all that talking she does after a day at the office. When she asked about my day, I'd wonder how our eight hours apart can be so full of noteworthy happenings for her while mine is always the same kind of days at work... Computers, coding, lunch, and workouts. I'll understand she likes that space to fuss over our food, to chop and cook and prep, I'll adore the way she wants to do it herself

If I was married to me, I'd join in singing out of tune and at the top of our lungs in the car. I'd hassle her about that terrible time she has with the lyrics and the harmonies in between breathes of making up my own. I'd still point out the songs that make me think of her especially the bits and pieces that speak her out loud. I'd make her listen to my favorites over and over even though she hates them, then I'd let her torture me with hers.

I guess, if I was married to me, I'd be him: Mr. T. Yes, I'd be Mr. T married to spitfire, just-the-right-amount-of-wild, sometimes insecure, always full of words me. 

17 comments:

  1. SUCH a good post. You are a beautiful writer.

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  2. Brooks @ Cotton & BootsApril 30, 2014 at 5:55 AM

    This is so beautiful, you are so beautiful. I love it, all of it.

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  3. this has been my favorite in a while. love.

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  4. This is my favorite post I've ready all week. Maybe all month. or all year. YOU are brilliant.

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  5. This is beautiful! Love, love, love it.

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  6. Beautiful post!! So unique. Your way with words is perfect!

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  7. Very beautiful post. It makes me think in perspective about how I act as a wife for sure :)

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  8. This is AWESOME! So much thought and emotion put into this post. Wow...just wow!

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  9. LOVE. Oh goodness, you are sweet! Such a beautiful post, Amber!!!

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  10. Beautiful post.

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  11. Your ability to see yourself as others see you is one of your greatest gifts. Never lose that ability.

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  12. THIS. It's beautiful. So so so beautiful.

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  13. This is gorgeous. You are such a strong writer. I also love that you have the confidence to look at yourself from another perspective and see so much beauty and so much worth loving.

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  14. this. is such a lovely post. and you. are such a lovely gal. anyone would be lucky to be married to you. :)

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  15. I love this!! I love the way that you write about everything and make it so beautiful...

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  16. So I instantly fell in love with the first few lines and ended with happy tears of understanding. Thank you:)

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