Wednesday, April 23, 2014

cadbury eggs. easter. emotions. all in one place.



Popsicle's favorite candy is Peanut M&M's. Always was, still is. He never failed to mention how much he loved the crunchy candy shell followed by delicious milk chocolate and then SURPRISE there's a peanut. They were his go-to movie theater snack, his stocking stuff (paired with Whoppers), his not-so-guilty pleasure. They are what keeps him coming back after he's wandered off at the memory care unit.
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Easter comes with Cadbury eggs. I've always enjoyed them, but this year they're a love. I crave them -something that is unlike my nacho, buttered popcorn self. I hold three in my hand and my mouth waters like a starving puppy standing over a steak. But, these sweet little chocolate eggs seem to be emotional this year. 

Those eggs hold memories of him in the way they harken to M&Ms while boasting festivity. They scream of his affection for his favorite treat, while reminding me that in my craving I'm as much like him as I am still me. That adorable oblong shape colored in beautiful pastels screams feminine joy. But that crunchy shell, just like M&M's, prefaces chocolate so sweet it overwhelms my palate. 

Their reminder doesn't stop at my taste buds. No it transcends to the deepest parts of my mind. Those colored shells remind me of the man he is now. One that's emptied of the chocolate -the element that provides depth and structure. Imagining that candy shell with no corresponding smoothness inside leaves me longing for more. Just as a visit with his body reminds me that the essence of him -the good sweetness like chocolate- is gone. 

And devoid of the innards, there allure goes missing.  
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Like the shell of the eggs, so was the tomb on that first Easter: empty. 

Unlike the emptiness that breaks my heart and saddens my soul here and now, that tomb void of a single body fills me with hope and joy. Hope of Popsicle's healing -though not here, it's a sure promise. Joy that I'll know him as he was again -candied shell and chocolate goodness reunited. The allure restored, the void filled, the gap bridged once and for all. 

Oh my soul. 

16 comments:

  1. The beauty which is this post cannot be matched. You are a great person, writer and daughter. Love you.

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  2. i love these soul-baring posts of yours. love. and admire.

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  3. Katie @ A Beautiful Little AdvApril 23, 2014 at 7:04 AM

    You have made my heart warm. These beautiful prose filled posts are to me like the anticipated candy surprises a child waits for on Easter morning, the gems that I keep coming back longing to read :) This is why I blog.

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  4. This is beautiful as always. I really do love the way you take something so simple and can find inspiration and hope and joy within it. You bring it to life in a way that I could never even dream of doing.

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  5. So beautifully written, my friend. Thank you for this.

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  6. This is so beautiful! Thank you for sharing your heart :)

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  7. tears. OH MY SOUL, Praise Him for these sweet little reminders & things that bring so much comfort. XO. Sending you lots of love.

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  8. Wow, you have a very special with words. And eggs. And your amazing Dad. Thank you for sharing this little piece of your heart and tastebuds my friend x

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  9. Beautiful. This left me with goosebumps and speechless. Much love to you.

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  10. Oh my soul this is beautiful. Thank you for sharing things like this. It gives me hope and comfort as we go through similar struggles with my own father.

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  11. My Dearest Amber, he knows. He sees you and those bright eyes, which once twinkled with his laughter, still undoubtedly feel your undying love. No science can or will ever convince me that as humans, we will lose 100% of our emotions. I have FAITH in God that even though we do not respond, we feel, to our cores that deep love. Look in the mirror and see your own reflection of him in your eyes and know, that you're his girl and nothing will ever change that. Lots of love, Lena

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  12. You always have just the right words for me. Always.

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  13. Thank you Jamie! You can do it... It's just one of those weird practice things... :)

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  14. Thank you for being so adorable, so supportive, so deeply sweet and wonderful.

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  15. Destiny, noooo not another girl losing a dear man... It's so heartbreaking. But I'm thankful we "get" to do this thing "together". :) XO.

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  16. Oh you. How much you mean to me always. XO.

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