Monday, April 21, 2014

Beyonce & The 'Book

Facebook. We all hate it. Yet we can't get away from it. And somehow it's what seems to keep us connected, so then we don't hate it. Actually, come to think of it, we sort of love it. Oh the sickness.

Lately I've been defriend-ing at an accelerating rate of speed. Seems my patience is running thin and I'm tired of the same old complaining, over-sharing updates from friends. So, to spare you the pain of being ditched on my least favorite form of social media, I put together the things that lead me to sever the virtual connection that you and I might have.

And who better to help me explain the madness of the situation than the queen of va-va-voom and dance moves and big hair and hot boots.

1. Too much talk about the intimate details involved with your lady parts. 
We all know Auntie Flo comes once a month and with her she brings a bag of bad attitude, but please, for the sake of all that is social, do not share that she's arrived on the regular.

2. You broadcast every time Baby Girl number twos in the potty. 
Your kid is the shit, fo sho, but let's let that be all the poopoo talk that goes on. Kids, regardless of how small, deserve some dignity. I know you're a proud mommy, I'll be the same one day too, but please for the love of all that is private share your pride in her "picking" out her first outfit or sharing a toy at Mommy&Me class or napping for two hours. 

3. Your posts are ALL. ABOUT. YOU.
I know, it's your life and you're the main character/rock star/rocket scientist. And, while I'm interested in what you're up to, it doesn't impress me that all you can do is talk about yourself. Pretend Facebook is a very large banquet table (Harry Potter-esque)… No one pays attention to the person who can't think, speak, understand anything but ME.

4. Check ins everywhere.
Need I say more? If I want to know where you are every second of every day I'd ask. But considering I haven't asked, please limit the check-ins to cool, random, hip places like Madame Tussaud's or Coachella or Disneyworld. Sorry but home, Starbucks, and work aren't thrilling or informative, just annoying.

5. Linked social media accounts.
If you can't think of an interesting way to post something -rather anything- on different platforms, then JUST DON'T DO IT. Also, never link Twitter to Facebook. The two platforms are separate and so different there should be no pretending they serve the same purpose.

6. Status updates that are more than two sentences.
Brevity is an art form. Anything longer than brief is blog-worthy. So, for the love of all things social media, blog it. Don't have a blog? Start one. Don't clog up my newsfeed with your rant on the missing vanilla in your morning latte, the poor customer service from your internet service provider, the lunch you loved and that reminded you of your grandma's cooking, the ridiculous traffic on your way home from work. NONE OF THESE.

7. Cryptic messages that allude to a messy emotional state.
You want my sympathy? Give me the deets. Or don't and expect me to wonder what in the world you're talking about specifically. Because you're right I don't know what you're feeling, what I do know is cryptic messages set off my need to be nosy and investigate ALL. THE. THINGS. on your page.

With that, me and my girl are out like Bonnie and Clyde.


  1. TRUTH!!! So good. That last one...I swear, people are just fishing for sympathy...they always end up airing all their dirty laundry in the comments when inevitably 20 people are all "OMG What's WRONNNG??"

  2. This is hilarious!! I love it! I ended up deleting my Facebook altogether and I can honestly say I haven't missed the dern thing one bit. Happy Monday!

  3. beyonce is the queen of GIFs! after being annoyed for the umpteenth time with facebook, i finally deactivated my account last month. it was one of the best things i've ever done!

  4. Amen! Especially the one about children and potty talk. Absolutely no one wants to hear about that (expect your pediatrician), and it's really disrespectful towards the child. One day that's kids going grow up and you posting all about their "cute little willy" might not be as cute/funny to them as it is to you.

  5. Oh gosh I had to stay FAR away from facebook yesterday. The ratio of status I saw about 4/20 compared to Easter made me realize that the people I went to highschool with have not changed at all, and facebook just makes me annoyed lol. But I love these beyonce gifs, worrkkkkk B!

  6. YES YES AND YES!!! If it weren't for my nosiness, I would have just deleted my Facebook ages ago. But sadly, I do not have enough will power to turn around and quit watching the train wreck that happens to be other people's lives!


  7. This is amazing. I have been unfriending lately and it really does feel good to cut some of the crazy out of my life :)

  8. Yes yes yes yes YES to the linked social media accounts. I've pretty much given up on Instagram (which use to be my fave) because I hate scrolling through all the same shit that I've already seen on Twitter to get to the stuff I haven't seen. I am guilty of sharing select pics from my personal Instagram to my personal Facebook for the older members of my family, though. That's about the only time I even post on Facebook come to think of it!

  9. A couple of my cousins do the cryptic messages ones...but they're my cousins, and they're teenagers, and they don't know any better, so even though I couldn't ever recommend posting such status updates...I simply choose not to be annoyed by that!

  10. hahaha!!!! YES. I totally feel you, yes. I barely go on FB anymore because of this stuff. I just don't want to read any of it!

  11. This is awesome Amber! As much as I love FB for keeping in contact with people, some of the things people post drive me nuts! Love that you used Beyonce for all of your examples too ;)

  12. Dude, seriously, I have always wondered why EVERYBODY likes to post "here at starbucks, yum". Once? Okay..everyday at the same time? We get it, we get it!!!! LOL

  13. Any post that uses Beyonce to make a point is an excellent one in my book!! Facebook is so lame but I just can't seem to get rid of it. Cryptic statuses are the WORST.

  14. STRAIGHT UP CORRECT hahahaha

  15. Ohhhhh the cryptic messages! I hate them but they suck me in every time because I just want to KNOW what's going on! But I'm with you - I've been 'unfriending' Facebook 'friends' at an alarming speed lately.


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