Friday, March 14, 2014

Those Things I So Badly Want Him To Know

I haven't talked about Popsicle in a while. Mostly because there isn't much to say except that he's still got dementia and it's still stealing him away from us little by little. Lately, I've been thinking about all the things I'd want him to know, that I tell him when we visit, but that he can't understand.

I want him to know...
...As much as I look like him, I act like him too. It's like his preferences were genetically preserved in me. That's something I love so sweetly and that terrifies me deeply because is his fate mine too?

...We bought a house. And we are making it our own little piece of the American dream.

...All that complaining I did while working for him was for naught. Because here I am working for what was his passion and loving it. Blame it on the teenage hormones.

...Though many don't understand, a sense of humor is everything in life. Well, behind God, family, and love. But it's everything nonetheless.

...Team Thomas will include kids one day and I often wonder if they'll look like the two of us. If I'm honest, I pray at least one does.

...I lost all that weight I'd gained the last few times you'd recognized me. And, I fell in love with myself and running again.

...Jason loves me like you loved mom. He's created that night time space that's solely ours and not to be interrupted by Lent, future children, or otherwise.

...Cinnamon and vanilla powder really do make coffee better. Even the Starbucks variety.

...I still brag about how good I am at bowling even though I suck. Talking a big game is more fun than having one.

There's so much I want him to know. Just so much. In fact, I'd probably be a babbling fool if I knew he could understand me. So tomorrow, as we visit with him once again, I'll tell him all these things for my very own soul. I'll tell him I love him, we're surviving, he's always missed and remembered.

And you, you will tell yours, in honor of us. You will tell them that stupid stuff that matters to no one but you. You will hug them tight and hold their hands. You will say you love them more than one time or even two. Because you want them so badly to know.


  1. And now I'm crying. Because this is beautiful.

  2. Brooks - The Handey WayMarch 14, 2014 at 6:56 AM

    You are squeezing my heart with this beautiful post. I always call my grandparents every week, because I want them to know how much I love them. My heart always flutters when I hear how excited they are when it's me on the other end.

  3. So beautiful, Amber. You have such a way with words!

  4. Amber. I just don't have the words for how much I love and admire you. My own dad will be popping in again next weekend to help some more with this massive house project, and now, I will hug him a little closer and tell him all the stupid silly things about my week and the dreams for my family with Adam...

    You bring such joy and perspective to other people's lives through the heartbreak of your own. You are an inspiration!


  5. Wow I was completely captivated by that. And frankly almost start balling into my cereal bowl. He is lucky to have such an amazing family to love on him.

  6. Oh Amber, he knows. He doesn't know that he knows, because his brain doesn't comprehend and understand. But in his soul, he hears you and he knows all of these things that you tell him.

  7. Amber, I love your blog!! Almost every post brings tears to my eyes, especially this one. I cannot even imagine, and you take such a positive outlook on the whole situation, I really admire that.

  8. Everyone else has already said it, but this is beautiful.

  9. Katie @ A Beautiful Little AdvMarch 14, 2014 at 9:39 AM

    Tears. Girl, so many tears. You always find a way into my heart. I having a one on one convo with my dad last night, and it's true, I was babbling away like I was still 10 years old. I'll be sure to treasure those moments more than I already do. Stay strong pretty girl.

  10. I'm trying so hard not to tear up. You know, I've always chosen to believe that even with diseases as horrible as alzheimers & dementia, that somewhere in their mind they still understand. They can't bring that part to the front to let you know, but they hear it and they know it in their heart. And although I always try to let my loved ones know what they mean to me because I've seen just how short life can be, I am definitely going to make sure that I go out of my way to let them know today.

  11. Oh the tears. Even at my dad's bedside the last few days of his life where he couldn't respond, I chose to believe he could hear me. I wept, I laughed, told stories and reminisced, told him all the ways I loved him so dearly, and even though he couldn't respond I chose to believe that somehow he could comprehend what I was saying and longing for him to hear. I often find myself wishing he was here to see that I started pursuing my art that he loved and encouraged so much. How smart and amazing his granddaughter is that was his pride and joy more so than I ever was. How Chris landed a job so similar to his in ways and how proud he would be of him. So many things. The only thing I can cling to is the hope I have (and that you will have) for the day all things will be made perfect! Love you girl! Lots of virtual hugs to you!!!

  12. You are so, so lucky to have someone you love that fully and deeply. It doesn't come naturally to everyone. I hope your visit tomorrow is a good one!

  13. "Jason loves me like you loved mom." :)

  14. Such a beautiful tribute to your dad Amber. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and your heart with us.

  15. Dear sweet Amber: he hears you. The kind words and loving hug you give him each time, deep within him, he knows it's you. He raised an amazing daughter. Take solace in knowing that you are who you are today because of his influence on you. Each day that you live and breathe, so does he...through you and your heart. Thank you for sharing this inspiring message.

  16. Amber. Your vulnerability, your truth, and your beauty speak volumes through your words and soul sharing. Your dad is blessed by the love you have for him. One day, he will know all of this, all of you, and all he missed---I'm so positive about that.

  17. What a beautiful post, Amber. I agree with some of the other comments, I'm sure his soul knows exactly what you are saying and your words aren't lost on him. Thanks for sharing such a vulnerable post!


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