Sunday, March 9, 2014

Dear Sweet Baby Jesus…

Welcome to another edition of 
Doubt&Devotion.
Kate from The Florkens and I are so glad to have you here, sharing your heart, and engaging in conversations about doubt, devotion, and all that's in between. 
The Florkens
You are invited to join us every Sunday for some talk on faith, religion, any and everything that lies heavy on your heart. We'll both post about our current struggles then at the bottom we'll invite you to join in the conversation either with a post of your own or in the comments section.

Oh how we're thrilled to have you. 
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via: Post Secret
A little blonde girl, bedside on bended knee. Hands clasped tightly together as though it will ensure a more efficient delivery of her requests. Short quiet whispers, undecipherable to the rest.  "Amen."

The first time I remember praying I was that little blonde girl kneeling, forearms atop my mattress, just like the Precious Moment dolls in my children's bible. Is this right? I wondered. Am I drooping my head just enough? How tight is the right amount of tight for my hands to clasp?

I remember being told prayer changes things. I remember thinking maybe one day I'd have something really tough going on in life that I'd get to cry out to Him. I hoped I'd do it the right way -boldly, honestly, deeply. And, like the child I was, I went along my merry way.

Having spent many years attending church, I found myself confounded by the ask and you shall receive aspect of prayer. I knew I hadn't asked for much and I felt thoroughly joyed by what I'd received, but why were there so many people struggling and begging for His help with no receipt?

Then, dementia struck. And I prayed -we as a family prayed- so many prayers -for mercy, for healing, for hope, for comfort, for joy, for peace, for answers. Some seemed so illusive. Some still do. There are days I cry out to Him for this disease to steal away Popsicle's life just so I can be sure he's no longer suffering. And, it feels like He can't hear me.

Maybe it's faith I lack or my heart is chasing its own plans and timeline or God's plan is bigger than my own. The bible says He's listening gently, gracefully, lovingly. And, I believe it. The bible says He has plans for my benefit and blessing, plans bigger and better than my own. And I believe it.

But I do wonder: why won't He answer me?

7 comments:

  1. I wrote on Friday about how I had been really struggling with something in my personal life this week. I've always prayed but never really felt or noticed any "results" from my prayers. This week, I was desperate for some relief for the stress I was unnecessarily placing on myself and I finally said "help me." Each time my mind would start to worry again I would repeat my little prayer. I have never felt such relief and reassurance in my life. I think maybe what I was asking for before wasn't have such a great impact in my life, so I just took for granted the ways he would speak to me in answering my prayers. He is great :-) I am sure that prayer has saved me from a complete meltdown this week.

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  2. My Dearest Amber, I have no better answer for you than leaving you with part of a poem I love. I hope this helps....Lena

    "I beg you, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer."

    Rainer Maria Rilke, 1903; in Letters to a Young Poet

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  3. I've always struggled with praying out loud. Mostly because I live alone and I feel like I'm talking to myself. But I've been in your shoes many a time.. Praying with no tangible results. It's heartbreaking but you said it - God's plans are bigger than ours. His plans will prevail.

    I'll pray for you and your Popsicle. <3

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  4. Lena, this is beautiful. Just so beautiful. And, it makes my heart swell at the beauty of the words. I'm going to have to write it in my journal and keep it handy just to remember the gold that is buried deep in those words.

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  5. Meg, yes. This whole faith thing is SO CHALLENGING and there's something freeing in knowing that there is a wonderful God that is up there caring for us, wishing to be that little bit of hope and peace that we need, loving us dearly. The freedom in turning to Him when you're overcome with stress is such a beautiful thing... And, it's just like you said in your post, you've got to commit to that thought over and over and over again because it's just not natural to our minds. :) So much prayer for you from me this week. So much. :)

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  6. Oh girl. Out loud always makes me uncomfortable. Thankfully Jason is totally cool with that and understands there's an insecurity there that challenges me. He's good at pushing me to try speak out loud, but there's just something so much more comfortable with my prayers being thoughts in my head. Thank you for prayers dear. So deeply thank you. :)

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  7. He hears you I promise! He knows the fears of your heart and he is building the woman who you have become today because of those fears.

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