Tuesday, January 14, 2014

#HazeldoesBlogland

Mama went and got herself all B.R.A.V.E for 2014. Good for her because it seems I'm the only one doing any brave thing around the house these days. Answer me this: why am I the only one hunting all felines, keeping crows from the yard, and barking at passersby? 

Now I'm being T.R.O.U.B.L.E. and stealing the spotlight for the day. Mostly because Mama's not getting on my new hashtag (#hazeldoes2014) quite as excitedly as I'd imagined she would. Payback is me being a snitch. A bitch being a snitch. Literally, me -a female dog- writing to tell you -snitching- how bad Mama is at sharing my pretty little face as of late. A pun and a shot of my speckled belly to show you just how upset this pup happens to be. 

What Mama -and your pretty little self- doesn't realize is the way my pretty face brings a smile to all the other souls in the land. It doesn't matter how bad your day happens to be, my wrinkles, splotchy (and not in the acne way) nose, and priceless attitude are sure to boost your spirits. 

While other dogs are busy sniffing butts and licking crotches, I've diligently worked to blend seamlessly into the world of humans. Forget manner lessons or cotillion classes for this girl, I'm purebred class. The average dog wishes for the dignity that composes my seamless resolve. 
Not all dogs are as highly evolved as I. Obviously. As a young pup I observed the many evenings Mama spent pouring over that giant book with tiny little words, golden edges, and seriously thin pages. She kept using those neon markers to write in the book and reprimanding me when I'd mouth those beautiful, bright pens. But a dog that studies God's truths is a dog that needs a hashtag.
Aside from having an affinity for God's goodness and grace, I'm a fan of bed time stories. Not in the human, tuck me in bed, and tell me a story way, but in the tell me a tale so I can snore like a freight train sense. There is no other thing like being wrapped up in the arms of Uncle Bub while he talks nonsense about all the heroism it is to be a sweet, furry soul. We, the dogs of the world, are the best friends in this world.
Literature, impeccable table manners, and stories are not all that I love. I'm a believer in beauty that surpasses bubble baths and collar flowers. You see, I've dialed in my family to the need for nail maintenance and who better than my Uncle Bub to ensure my nails are pretty and pink just like my soul. My goals for 2014 are mastering mascara to bring out my puppy dog eyes and to reign in the wayward hairs that make up my intense brows.
It's not simply about what humans can do for me, but mostly, about what I can do for them. You see, my family, they're cute and sweet and loving. BUT, they need me to keep things together. I spent the month of December teaching my Pops how to work with wood. You should have seen how that boy almost cut his hand off! I taught him how to set up that table saw according to the manufacturer's regulations as well as how to keep all of his limbs. 
I've been teaching Ma how to manage ALL. THE. THINGS. Mostly money and her office at work. Girl's got some learning to do, but now that her bark isn't that much bigger than her bite things are looking up. I see potential people. And when I see potential, I hone it into full on skill.  Lucky for you, I'm looking to expand my leadership abilities into a full-fledged business and you might just be my next big project. 
And, this concludes my takeover. Your takeaway today:  Every dog needs a hashtag. I, for one, am living proof. 

Time to get my crotch goosing, butt sniffing, chop licking good time on. 

Over and out, 
Hazel

13 comments:

  1. adorable!!! if we ever do get a dog, it's between a boxer and a doberman.

    kathy
    Vodka and Soda

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  2. Dear Hazel,

    Our mamas are slacking on their pimpin. I haven't seen a pic of you in months and we don't even talk on Skype anymore. I can't do 2014 without you, Haze. Come back to me.


    Love,
    Warner

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  3. adorable.. I love Hazel.. So cute..

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  4. that is soo adorable.. Blogger Dog google hangout party. hahaha

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  5. #hazeldoesdinner2014 omg i cant!!!! She is like sitting there just going with the flow!!!!!

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  6. haha this is hilarious. I love when dogs take over the blog and hazel is by far one of my fave instagram dogs!

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  7. I'm glad my pup, Izzy is taking her 8th nap of the day because otherwise, she'd start trying to figure out why she hasn't done her monthly takeover and start brainstorming what to blog about. And by that, I mean she will push me out of the way to get to my laptop. She's a crazy lady.

    Jamie @
    The Growing Up Diaries

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  8. Oh no, now Nala is jealous of your hashtag Hazel. You may have just started a trend!

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  9. Can I just say how happy this post made me? It lightened my day!

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