Thursday, December 5, 2013

And I, I ugly cried.

In high school I fell in love with The Spill Canvas and all of their music. Then in college during late study nights, I fell in love with them again. During November, before Christmas music made it's entrance on the scene for Christmas 2013, I couldn't get enough of The Spill Canvas' melodies and lyrics and ideas and themes. But, "The Tide" held a special place: a place now recognized.

“Heaven is not just a place you go when you die, 
it’s a moment in life when you actually feel alive.” 
-The Spill Canvas, "The Tide" 

The lyric felt so coincidental, so random, but stuck in my brain with no meaning. That is, until I was sitting in the dining hall at the Gardens watching a dysfunctional lunch hour. We sat as a band of three and he babbled per usual. Jason asked questions as one does a child because that's all he'll respond to now a days. And I, I ugly cried. 

I cried deep, silent sobs. Tears streamed down my fresh mascara. And I damned myself for doing this today when we had plans and I no back-up make-up in the car. Then he did the unexpected, he looked me in the face with those blue eyes I, too, happen to possess. Vacant still, void of recognition, those eyes moved past me as though looking upon a mundane and unimportant figure… But, that moment where they focused on my watery lakes of iris: it stopped my heart.

As we sat as a band of three and I sobbed from the depths of my breaking, yet healing heart, I thanked the good Lord that's carrying us through this horrid disease for that haphazard look. And, as those drippy tears soaked my cheeks, the depth of this Christmas season soaked my soul: the way I hunger for a hope, for a purpose, for a love that's greater than what this life's got to offer and His ability to deliver all those things plus more. 

Though I believe Popsicle is closer to heaven than I, he was always one to share and as his eyes stopped momentarily on my identical pair: heaven was there. He showed me that it's not just the floaty, cloudy, golden dreamland that I imagine but that heaven comes in flickers that mark our soul in deep and profound ways.

That Dreamland that heaven has always been for me was devoid of all that we know as life now. But, in the way dementia has rocked my understanding of all things to the core, I don't know if that's all heaven is anymore.

I believe heaven's here in glimpses and rays and hopes. We all experience it differently, so is life. But it's here. In this season of celebrating and family and sparkles and God, I think it's now more than ever here for you to feel alive.


  1. perfectly said! today I will live just for Him. love you and am always

  2. i'm so happy that you are still able to go see him. ugly crying or not. and i'm really happy you got wine afterward. my heart and prayers are always with you lady.

  3. Your a strong woman. Lots of love! and that song ugh it does things to my heart.

  4. Katie @ A Beautiful Little AdvDecember 5, 2013 at 9:06 AM

    oh girl, I can't imagine going through what you endure day after day. I'm crying at my desk, just TRYING to imagine it. You are strong. You are loved. And somewhere he feels love.

  5. There is no such thing as ugly tears when the reason behind them means something as much as this means to you. I'm here for you. You have a LOT of people here for you. You're a good person and your Popsicle had a big part in that, I'm sure... that's a legacy that will NEVER go away.

  6. Amber, you are really strong and brave for sharing this. This made me cry. Sending you a virtual bear hug.

  7. Oh girl- just lots of hugs for you from afar.

  8. darling blog and sweet post. XO

  9. crying here at work. Such an amazing post, story, and most importantly an amazing heart you have. seeing my mom sick these past few weeks after news of the cancer and then surgery, it's freaking heart breaking. I can't imagine dealing with a disease that'll never get better. My heart hurts for you and your family, but at the same I'm just sitting in utter at the strength you're whole family must posess to go on each day with hope and love.

  10. Ugly crying is not a bad thing. I'll be truthful... ugly crying means that you have a reason
    to cry and you care for that reason so so deeply. Ugly crying is the most
    painful because you love so much that you can’t keep it in. Its ok to
    cry...Unless you're Kim K and lost your diamond earring in the ocean, then you don’t
    have a reason to ugly cry lol. You are such a strong person!!!

  11. Oh, darling girl. Your heart is so clearly represented in all of your posts - I cannot get over it. The fact that you are dealing with this and still seeking the Lord's purpose is encouraging and WORTHWHILE. I'm saying a special prayer for you as we speak, love. <3

  12. I also believe we get glimpses of heaven here on earth, and it gives us hope of what's to come...which will be far greater than anything our finite minds could ever hope or imagine. Sending hugs your way, sweet lady! Xo!


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