Monday, November 11, 2013

Thanks-living: A Lesson in Disappointment

This is a post in the Thanks-Living series on Mr. Thomas and Me. It is a part of Chasing Happy's #thankfulproject. Should you care to join, you can find the prompts here
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Dad, I'm disappointed in you. You let me down, just like you said you would. Just like I didn't believe.

You fell short of the superman I knew you were. And, some days, I'm in shambles over the reality of that. You were the first man I truly loved who truly loved me back. And the first man who taught me the depths of a truly broken heart. Some days, it feels like a brokenness that can't be repaired. You taught me how to do business, learn business, and be business, then you were gone from the office before I could show you I learned it.

Dad, I'm disappointed in you. Because, you're human. And I wanted you to be more -so much more- than that. I needed you.

When we sat curled in balls on the living room floor the morning of the diagnosis, you said, "I can't believe I've done this to you and your siblings and your mom. You don't deserve this." I told you it wasn't your fault. But now, I get it.

You weren't referencing the disease. You were disappointed too. You couldn't believe this disease wasn't beatable, because you'd conquered everything else in life. I share that heart Dad. I'm disappointed too.

But, Dad, you did one thing right. You pointed me in the direction of what I needed -deeply, unabashedly, terribly needed- in order to survive the disappointment. You told me, I needed Him because everyone and everything else would fail me. And I told you, "no." I told you, "that isn't so, Dad because there's you." You did like you always did, raised your brow, shook your head, and laughed a bit under your breath. You did that right, Dad.

I was stubborn and scared and short-sighted. Because disappointment abounds -everyone has and everyone will. Because everything isn't actually anything. And, Dad, you were right. I need Him in such an intense and powerful way there aren't enough words to evoke the feeling.

So Dad, thanks for falling short. I wouldn't have learned the lesson otherwise. And, Dad, as much as this wasn't how Superman looked, you're still a superhero to one little girl who, despite growing up, loves you infinitely.

18 comments:

  1. Amber- your posts are always so incredible and you did it again with this one. I so admire your strength and your ability to put your feelings into words so amazingly.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I love your heart so much!

    ReplyDelete
  3. i'm slow clapping for this at my desk right now. beautiful words soul sister.

    ReplyDelete
  4. This breaks my heart. Your strength amazes me.

    ReplyDelete
  5. What a great lesson for your Dad to teach you through all of this. That's a great thing to learn. People, even the very best of people, will fail us--And that's why we need God.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Your strength is admirable, and this was a beautiful post.

    ReplyDelete
  7. This was so beautiful I teared up a little. You have an amazing amount of strength!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Amber you have such a way with words! My heart just breaks for you and your family.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Katie @ A Beautiful Little AdvNovember 11, 2013 at 10:54 AM

    Your heart is beautiful.

    ReplyDelete
  10. This is so beautiful Amber. I'm so inspired by your raw honesty.

    ReplyDelete
  11. This brought a pool of tears to my eyes. So beautiful. So heartfelt and raw. I lost my father and this post meant a lot to me. Thank you for writing it. :)

    ReplyDelete
  12. Alyssa @ Lyss + LovelinessNovember 11, 2013 at 3:35 PM

    Tears! Love this so much. Thanks for being open and vulnerable enough to share!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Oh, my sweet friend. You have me in tears over here. Your word choice is so on point and it shows so much of your heart. With every post, I am blown out of the water and am reminded how thankful I am to have a friend who encourages my heart the way you do. I adore you!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Your way with words is beautiful. This brought tears to my eyes, beautiful post.

    ReplyDelete
  15. So. WOW! This made me tear up, I love your transparency! <3

    ReplyDelete

Feel free to share with me... In fact, your words do more for me than mine for you.

I reserve the right to remove negative interactions... This is a space to share, to inspire, to laugh, and to cry - while everyone is entitled to an opinion, no one is entitled to spread hurtful words.

Blogger Template designed By The Sunday Studio.