Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Is This What Skinny Feels Like?


On April 15th, 2013 I weighed 147 pounds. Three and a half months later, I weighed in at 130 pounds on the dot. 

Seventeen pounds lighter feels nicer on my shins (that are prone to splints) and my knees (that suffered damage in my ten years on the soccer field) and my hips (that ache with too much working out). My body looks different: thinner, stronger, tighter. And my progress pictures reflect that. 

The pictures were nice points of reference from month to month. Like, that's where I was, this is where I am -good job Amber. But then, they were more of an obsession. Like, that's where I was yesterday, where am I today. Whether I like it or not, change doesn't happen overnight. 

Spending a lot less time in bathing suits with the cooling weather has halted the progress picture train. Thank goodness. But, it's spurred a new relationship. An intense and needy relationship with the bathroom scale. 
Is this what skinny is supposed to feel like? 

Like irritation over a pound or three. Like wondering how much bloat is from last night's cheat meal or from my hormones. Like contemplating when the best time of the day it is to step on the scale. Like sneaking away from a conversation to "use the bathroom" -code for step on the scale one more time to make it isn't broken. 
Is this what skinny is supposed to feel like? 

Like I can't eat clean enough. Like that glass of red wine is followed by a gruesome hangover of guilt. Like water is the only liquid worth passing my lips (and you KNOW how I love coffee). Like a random HUNGRY morning is going to derail my months of progress. Like beating myself up over a good old breakfast burrito, Cadillac margarita or late night greasy food craving. 

Skinny feels like never being enough. Like I'm always falling short.

I don't like the way skinny feels. I don't like worrying about the number of carbs in every morsel of food I eat. I don't like skipping my nightly glass of wine. I don't like passing on chips and salsa. I don't like hating servings of seconds when the food is that damn good. I don't like choosing veggies over pizza. So I won't. 

Because skinny doesn't feel so good. And I want to feel good. 

I eat three meals a day plus two snacks, healthy 90% of the time, cheats the other 10. And, I like those habits. I also like my 130 pound body with it's balance of muscles and curves. I like healthy. I like set point weights. I like cardio and weight training. I like feeling good. And I do. 

So, skinny, you aren't enough for me. And all this time I thought it was me not good enough for you. 

25 comments:

  1. So great! I am proud of you for that weightloss, I am in the middle of trying to lose weight I've gained but this is such a good reminder how easy it can become and obession, an idol, something reminding us we will never be "enough".

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  2. Love this. I hit this point a few years ago when I had lost about 30 lbs. I just could not keep up the obsessive habits that would keep me in the 140's. So I gave up. Sometimes skinny is just not good for your soul. Got to find that balance!

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  3. I needed to read this: I'm always so focused on skinny that I forget to allow myself to ENJOY food.

    ps--you look awesome.

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  4. Kathy@Vodka and SodaNovember 12, 2013 at 6:17 AM

    i don't like skinny. i like healthy. because healthy is not only about physical appearance but also your state of mind. when you're in it to be healthy, you take the time to research about proper food and nutrition. you do things that are healthy for you and and your body. when you're only in it for vanity reasons, you tend to overlook the healthy part and do drastic (stupid) things to achieve that vanity goal.

    so healthy is best, in my opinion. getting leaner is only a bonus but your INTERNAL ORGANS are what keep you alive, not the size of your jeans. so do things that are healthy for your organs and your body will adjust :)

    -kathy @ Vodka and Soda

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  5. YES. i hate that quote, "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels". no. nope. lots of things taste better than that constant feeling of checking and balancing yourself and never letting yourself have a misstep. like having a cocktail with your husband, or making zucchini bread for your neighbors and keeping a loaf for yourself....those are great things. it's all about moderation, and that is what feels good.
    p.s. you looked and look fabulous, and i'm glad you feel good!

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  6. I'm struggling with this right now. I'm gained weight since the wedding and every morning and night I step on the scale and I get mad at myself. That's not how we are suppose to feel. We are suppose to love ourselves, but that freaking number kills us!

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  7. also, this is why i don't own a scale. too easy to get caught up in the numbers instead of how my jeans fit.

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  8. You go girl!! So happy for you :) Would love for you to follow me at http://sincerelymrslo.blogspot.com/ :)

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  9. Katie @ A Beautiful Little AdvNovember 12, 2013 at 6:39 AM

    Great job on the weight loss - but as you read, I know all too well how easy it is to get obsessed with numbers. The number on the scale, the number of calories, the number of cheat meals. Finding contentment in your new healthy body is enough - healthy always wins over skinny! keep it up!

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  10. I have been struggling with this a ton lately and it has led to me just quitting. I have tried to be happy in the body I have for as long as I can remember and nothing seems to work. I've avoided the scale and tried to find happiness in how my clothes fit but it's hard. I wonder when it will get easier on a daily basis. My goals have become more focused on strength and doing things I couldn't do before: pullups, pushups, running faster, etc.

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  11. I'm such the pro on this subject...I've struggled with my weight most of my life. I understand the obsession with numbers and the want to say "hey, I don't want to do this anymore, I want to eat bon-bons AND sit on that damn couch while I eat them!" At 48 I've gotten to a place where I strive to be healthy by exercising and good eating but I won't beat myself up for not being perfect because it's something I can't achieve...I inherited this body type from my daddy so I'll take it with me as one more thing that keeps me sweetly tied to him.

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  12. I love this!! I've definitely gotten back into the gym routine- and it helps me feel better about myself; not because I'm losing weight but just because I don't feel so lazy!

    But I'm never going to stop enjoying food and wine and the things I like. To me it's not worth it- and while I'm glad I've gotten into a workout routine, I'm not going to stop the things I enjoy. It's all about balance and not pushing yourself to the point where you are no longer happy. Good for you :)

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  13. This is so great. I was wondering last night as I worked out if a cupcake tasted better than working out (um, it does) so I love that I'm seeing this today. Congrats on your progress and on finding something that works for you!

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  14. Good for you! :) Skinny doesn't always = healthy... strive for healthy and you'll be okay, no matter what size you are! :D You're doing great!!!!!

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  15. I so agree... when I first started going to the gym and losing weight I was OBSESSED with the scale. Obsessed with every pound, every inch, every morsel and calorie that went in my body and that kind of thinking can tear a person down. Now I follow the 80/20 rule and make sure I go to the gym at least 4 times a week and I'm happy with that!

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  16. I seriously almost cried reading your post. That last line just about killed me. I love this, I love this, I love this. And I think you look pretty damn great! So there's that too!

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  17. It's like enough is such a moving target there's no way to ever get THERE and you are robbed of the here of things. BLEH. :)

    You can do it! :)

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  18. It's SOOO exhausting to constantly be beating yourself up over the not good enough feelings... Especially when I AM GOOD ENOUGH and, in fact, my weight has VERY little to do with all the amazing things I can bring to the table! :)

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  19. Skinny scares me sometimes. When I looked at a girl who's toned and got some meat on her bones I don't worry about her health or her habits... But there's a point where there is a TOO THIN line and that's a fine, fine line at that. :)


    So glad you're on the same page as me doll. VODKA-SODA FTW.

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  20. "skinny, you aren't enough for me. And all this time I thought it was me not good enough for you."

    I LOVE THIS! I can't even tell you how much I love that.

    I've tried skinny - I'm hungry and grumpy skinny.

    I sit perfectly well at my 135 mark and while I'm not the leanest of my friends and family, I'm certainly not the one pouting in the corner because I can't eat cake balls.

    New follower - whit from Raspy Wit

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  21. LOVE this post ! I have felt the same in the last few weeks. I don't care if I don't look like a model or if I am a bit too chubby because society thinks I should be thinner. I like eating, it makes me feel happy. As long as you are healthy, your weight doesn't matter. Plus, you look fabulous Amber ;)

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  22. Treasure Tromp linked me here, and I am so glad it did. This is perfect and hits just close enough to home. I want to be healthy, to hike longer, to feel more comfortable in my skin, but I am sick of all the things that come with that challenge. Its hard to be healthy physically without it manifesting an unhealthy emotional habit. The more I push myself, the farther I move my goal, when I slack off and backslide, I feel so guilty and worthless I can't get back into the good habits. Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing this.

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  23. I just find this and LOVE it! Wanting to feel good rings so true for me, and you're so right - that feeling doesn't come from a # on the scale or eating healthy 100% of the time.

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