Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Ragged. Raw. Unprepared.

Yesterday I woke up feeling ragged and raw and mostly unprepared for the day. Unprepared for what I didn't know was to come, I guess.

I felt that raw feeling as soon as I rose from my slumber to a not-even-slightly-gracious alarm clock beckoning me to the gym. A place I didn't want to go, a workout I didn't want to endure with a trainer to which I didn't want to listen. I wanted soft, cottony sweetness cocooned around my tired, ragged soul. But, Mondays don't work that way. 

The morning routine was filled with undue grouchiness that beckoned me to call myself Oscar and crawl back into my trashcan. Coffee should have cured it, or so I told myself. Starbucks hasn't enough in their store to make this ragged, rawness go away. Nope, because Mondays don't work that way. 

I found myself upset over things in ways completely unjustifiable. Annoyed over organization -or lack thereof- in our home, our closet, my car, my desk. Frustrated with the way my sloth-like grouchy soul couldn't get my act together and suddenly the clock says 8:19 and I must rush, rush, rush. Driving down the street as J.J. Heller saves my soul with her sweet melodies, wishing the defrost worked just two minutes faster, praying deep, longing prayers for a not-ragged, not-raw, not-unprepared feeling. Because Mondays work that way. 

There were work meetings with big work choices, customers with even bigger demands, and the typical work movements that make up the sick and twisted dance I call the "work day". Nothing felt graceful or gentle or beautiful. It all felt clunky and heavy and Monday. And, I was upset. I could feel the funk. Could identify it's heaviness in my soul, but I couldn't shake it. Because Mondays work that way. 

Really though, most days don't work that gentle, soothing way right now. I'm biting my nails again -a sign of anxiety. I'm cleaning pretty intensely at the office -a sign of attempted control. I'm short and callous with Jason -a sign of stress. I'm hard on myself from dawn till dusk -a sign of frustration with more than just me. I'm insane laughter then angry tears -a sign my emotions are bottled and confused. Because days work in a rugged and chaotic way. 

So is life. I guess.

I'm ragged and raw and mostly unprepared. And that makes me mad at myself. Because, I like to be strong and solid and mostly Girl-Scout-Try Prepared. You guys? I don't have my shit together. I usually don't. And that's allowed. 

I'm ragged and raw and mostly unprepared. And that's allowed. That's what life is about. And, I'm alive. Very much alive.

I'm ragged and raw and mostly unprepared. For this space. For this place. For these words. For your encouragement. For your hurts. For His work. And that's allowed. Because I'm alive.

I'm ragged and raw and mostly unprepared. Take me as I am. You, take me as I am. God, take me as I am. Me, take it as it comes. One day, one way, one work at a time.

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And this. It does a work in my heart. 

9 comments:

  1. This is perfectly perfect. It described us yesterday to a tee. I hope you are feeling better today my friend.

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  2. This is real life. Love it! That is a beautiful song. I must go download it now.

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  3. I love this post! It really seems like we're all fighting through the same battles of daily life, no matter how different they might be. I'll definitely be downloading this song! :)

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  4. A real life is a beautiful life, my friend. <3

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  5. Oh my soul. And your soul. So weary are we.

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  6. DON'T YOU JUST LOVE HER? It's an addiction now.

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  7. Girl, she's fabulous and you will be so happy you did! :)

    We are! That uninvited funk, that UGH that just doesn't shake off... Thankfully, it passes and the clouds clear for the sun.

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  8. A real life is a beautiful life. So much love for that wisdom. So much love.

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  9. This is perfect. I have been feeling that way too.

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