Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Three Months From Life Means Fashion Police

As I've mentioned yesterday, I'm participating in the Story of My Life blog's Blogtember series... And, today I answer prompt II. 

Wednesday, September 4: 
If you could take three months off from your current life and 
do anything in the world, what would you do? 

Because I'm a total fashion plate, I'd take some time from being fashionable and assist the unfashionable of the world. People usually stop me in the street to get my advice regarding clothes, pairing, and accesorizing... After charging a nominal fee, they receive said advice and their lives -as well- as their closets- are changed for the better.  (note: sarcasm through and through)

Instead of making big bucks handing out my fashion advice, I'd take up a non-profit, proactive role as a fashion peace officer. In doing so, I'd assure all major retailers as well as the innocent people on the streets that bad fashion would be cleaned up and eventually suffer total extinction. 

I've decided to spend today pulling together my list of fashion trends that should untrend themselves ASAP because these trends are illegal "fashion" moments that I'd cite in a heartbeat. And, if you happen to have a contact at the local fashion police, get them on your speed dial and turn all offenders in immediately. Lacking a fashion police force in your area? Go vigilante and perform a citizen's arrest. 

Claw Nails
Girl, just because cheetah print's in, doesn't mean the claws are too. I've yet to see a ten nail set that impresses my impeccable taste in nail beds. And these, scratchy abominations, are going to redefine what it means to get in a cat fight... 
Girls, let's leave claws to Salem and his feline friends. 

The Drop Crotch Pant
Just because Psy and MC Hammer do it, doesn't mean you should too. Boy, girl, or otherwise, a sagging crotch region isn't complementary to anyone's legs or tush. I know Tyra couldn't get even her booty to tooch in these fashion mistakes, so please, for the sake of your leg day and your gluteus, leave the drop crotch alone! 

Lady Gaga Hooves
She's the only woman that can pull these off... (Which is a questionable statement in itself) And then people go and wear them to the mall. No. Just no. My shins hurt just thinking of the splints this lack of support would cause. And, Gaga, your legs are awesome, but put some pants on, please. 

Turtle Neck Tank Tops
If your neck needs to be warm, so do your abs. Period. And aren't turtle necks supposed to be conservative? The crop top isn't. I'm all for a fashion statement, but not when it says my neck's cold, but my abs need sun. Make up your mind folks! 

Saggy Beanies
I've got a big head that would need every bit of space in that beanie, so it may simply be jealousy fueling my dislike for these... But, it reminds me of a wilty mushroom. Or a phallic something or other. Or is it that I feel it's channeling the Travelocity knome?

Cartoon Prints
Cartoons are borderline unfashionable to me in the first place. They scream four year old underwear to me... But converting that single graphic into an entire print?!? My vertigo is acting up (and I didn't even know I had vertigo). Plus, doing it double as seen here throws my eyes into a downright and crossed position. 

And I'm off to cite the fashion don'ts of southern California because, though I can't take three months off my current job and life, I can put my new Hello Kitty notepad to use. It seems this humid-heat brings out fashion mistakes in droves... Much like fire ants, but more burning to the eyes than the flesh. 

Clue me in to the most glaring of fashion don'ts in your area. 
Oh, and, wouldn't you love to be the fashion police too? 

4 comments:

  1. Ashten@alwaysashtenSeptember 4, 2013 at 9:36 AM

    HOOVES! YOU SAID HOOVES! I AM DYING RIGHT NOW.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hahaha, I am so scared to get dressed right now... I am not a fan of all of the above too!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. yessssss, all of those trends are beyond ridiculous.
    Seriously. I mean to start linking up.
    I loved blogging every day in may. Did you do that too?

    ReplyDelete
  4. SALEM!! Oh my gosh! He was my favorite "sarcasm" role model growing up! Thanks for reminding me of him!


    -Kate
    www.theflorkens.com

    ReplyDelete

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