Wednesday, September 25, 2013

That In Between.

Yesterday we received two shiny, expensive pieces of equipment. We oohed and aahed over them. We all laughed as they unloaded from a box truck (nearly impossible to fit the machines into). We all followed the operator around the yard as he learned the new joystick controls. Then, we went and did our work. 

I assumed my position behind a desk, answering phones, completing the week's payroll, and all else office. But this little thought loomed: he should be here. That's right, Popsicle. He should be here watching this unload, emblazon his name over the fresh white paint, drive that machine in circles on the lot. He should be here. 

He isn't. He's there. Away. Between life and death. He isn't here. He hasn't a clue we've grown the fleet. Oh, the joy he's missing. He isn't here. He's there. Between life and death. And, for the first time in a long time, this makes me so sad. So deeply sad. 

It's good how we get to honor him with our choices, we think of him often in our business movements -from the daily to the long-term-, we move in ways that we know he'd move. But, some days, I just want him here or in Heaven, not there. Not between life and death. I wish he was one or the other. Not the between. Just like, I wish we could miss him or enjoy him. Not the between. 

Yesterday was a between day. Where I'm between happy and sad. Mostly happy, mostly on the good side of the between. But still sad still a little bit between in the happy-sad zone.

Yesterday we received two shiny, expensive pieces of equipment. They reminded me that we can do this without his voice. Only because His voice is now so loud and clear. We will follow Him around construction sites and pour our hearts into the concrete we level.

Oh Popsicle, I love you. I wish we all weren't suffering, you with this disease, us with this loss. Oh Popsicle, you're a special man who left a legacy of integrity and good work. I wish we got to work in that legacy beside you now, you freed of this disease, us without this loss.

But, there's a different, broken story here. A story so sad sometimes I can't breathe through the tears. But Popsicle, you taught me that He redeems all things. All things, our story, our in between days included. 

19 comments:

  1. awwww. This almost made me tear up this morning. I'm so sorry with what your dealing with. I know you don't go into detail but I understand the feeling of being in that In Between. My prayers and thoughts are with you girl!

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  2. I'm sorry for what you are going through. My Dad was ill for a number of weeks before he passed away and it was so difficult to wish him peace and pain free, but know that to do that he would need to pass. Sending you love xx

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  3. This
    is so touching. It made me cry. I had to shut my office door just now. The
    little things that we thought were pointless are no longer pointless when we
    grow up. Even though the shinny new equipment is not little, it’s something
    that has meaning.

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  4. I am so sorry for your heartache. My grandfather died of cancer a few years ago, and spent a few years in the sad - harsh - inbetween. Praying for your joy and peace today.

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  5. Amber, I am truly sorry that you have to go through this. I hope you will feel better and be relived from this pain soon. All my thoughts are with you and your family

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  6. This is so touching it brought me to tears. I feel for you in this in between time. I have been there myself and it is exactly as you have described it. *hugs*

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  7. Oh gosh, I'm so sorry you're going through this! I know how hard it is to watch someone you love slip away! Prayers go out to you and your family!

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  8. why are words so wrong, so ill-fitting sometimes? THAT is the story of my life. :)


    thankfully my Popsicle was one who taught us that happy is better; thus find it. and we are, in funny, different looking ways than I ever imagined.


    and your words. clunky like mine, but full of so much encouragement.

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  9. You get it girl. You get it. Love.


    P.S. I cried when I reread it. What's the crying girl deal!?!

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  10. Oh Carrie it's just the worst to watch, to endure, and to lose. I'm so thankful it's slow so we have time to say goodbye, but, some days, I beg God for His mercy and grace because this process feels so cruel.

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  11. Chelsea, there are days where prayers are all that gets me through. Thank you so deeply from my faint soul.

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  12. The harshness of the In Between is horrifying some days. The beauty of it is joyful and encouraging others. Oh my soul. Joy and peace is what has filled today. Thank you for your prayers lovely, they've been answered.

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  13. Oh love, I hate that you've experienced it too. I wish this process on no one because it's so hard, but it's through the hard that we grow in love, in friendship, in perspective. :)

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  14. Crying is good. Just don't go and hit something... unless you wanna hit the wine bottle, then i'm all team hitting and i'm joining!

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  15. I love when words do our feelings and experiences justice. Your encouragement is so sweet, so beautiful, so feeding to my heart.

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  16. Thank you for your thoughts Mathilde. Especially because they have such a distance to travel. :) Your care encourages my at-times faint heart to seek good, grace, joy.

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  17. You go girl! I doubt I could ever do this -- although Adam would be thrilled if I did. But to choose to do it SO close to the holidays and all those sales... EK! That sounds like torture! I'll be praying for you!

    -Kate

    www.theflorkens.com

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  18. Beyond beauty and marvel this is, much like your soul. Praying for you now, as I do ever so frequently.

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