Thursday, September 5, 2013

Don't Go To Bed Mad... & Other Advice We Don't Heed.

Today, Blogtember asks for advice. It wants to know what I've learned and remembered. But, prompts aren't that easy for me to follow. Hell, what am I wasting my breath for? You all know this by now. 

Thursday, September 5: 
Pass on some useful advice or information you learned and always remembered. 

Being just two years married, we received tons of advice during our "newlywed" period. Advice that, while well-intentioned, didn't hold water when the rubber hit the road. So, today, I share what advice we remember, but that didn't ring true in the context of our marriage. 

"Don't go to bed mad."
When I want to, I'm pissy and angry and spiteful. I know that about myself and so does Jason. So, sometimes, when the fights are especially overdramatic, we go to bed mad. SURPRISE, in the morning I wake up completely over it. What was worth digging my heels in the night before becomes unmemorable at sunrise. More often than not I need a good night's sleep, not an hour long conversation "talking it out". 

"Happy wife, happy life." 
The last two years have held just as much unhappy as they have happy. Moments of deep, unspeakable pain have fallen upon us and, though transformative, the Happy Wife has been unfathomable. But, the wife who's emotions are acknowledged and affirmed while allowed to be, is far more happy than any spoiling can do. 

"Agree to disagree."
No one likes disagreement. So, instead, we agree to love one another despite our differences of opinion (that, though they don't happen often, are usually passionate). The important point here, we don't dwell on disagreement, but honor the beauty of holding true to opinions that differ. This brings a positive vibe to what can easily be negative. 

"Only use "I" statements when you're fighting."
I've needed a figurative slap in my entitled face just as much as Mr. T. Though it isn't any sort of easy to hear, some days I need to know I'm being a stubborn ass as much as he needs to know he's being a self-righteous know-it-all. It isn't the first time we've heard someone call us out on our shit, and it won't be the last. Don't get abusive or go on a verbal assault, but know that some days we need to hear about our shortcomings even from our spouse. 

"Talk over everything." 
Bullshit. We share lots, but we limit the amount of time we talk about work. It can easily become a whine-zone making us miserable, so ten minutes then onto something else. So, don't force an hour-long conversation on what he doesn't give a damn about and vice versa. Interests aren't always mutual and easily covered, but, after eight hours busy at work, do you really want to spend the night talking about what's there too? We didn't think so. 

The advice we do heed (that needs little to no explanation):
Date your spouse. 
Don't ditch romance just because you're married. 
Take time to have fun together (includes laughter).
Affirm one another (in your love languages). 
Respect your spouse, then communicate with them. One without the other is impossible. 

What works for you guys? Or what doesn't? 
Singles, remind us what it means to operate without another?
(I know, seems odd to ask, but there's so much us some days 
we don't remember what it means to be a me.)


  1. Ashten@alwaysashtenSeptember 5, 2013 at 8:44 AM

    Oh heyyy just your single friend over here to let you know that if I was married ALL OF THIS would be amazing advice and I would totally follow it. But, since I'm still the mayor of "singleville" I will put this in my pocket for the day some idiot decides to make an honest woman out of me. :)

  2. Only two years married and already so wise. I found you through the challenge.

  3. I just adore you! This is just so true, you can't take all marriage advice to heart. Do what works for you! As always, thanks for sharing <3

  4. Just stumbled across your blog thanks to the lovely Ashten. I just needed to read everything you just wrote today. thank you. We've been married for 3 months and we're neck deep in how you should do this that and the other so hearing we're not the only ones to call BS on the "happy wife, happy life" and many others was comfort.

  5. Yessssssssssss.
    Especially the going to bed angry part.
    Truthfully, sometimes I get bitchy at night. Straight up.
    And my poor attitude becomes "you this, and you that". I find that those statements really hurt my husband, and stick with him. If I just go to bed, no harmful words are said.

  6. hah, the best i ever heard was, "hold hands when you argue". i'm sorry, but if i held his hand when we argued, i would be tempted to squeeze it til the circulation stopped. no, we shall argue from separate sides of the room, thank you very much!

  7. -Best rule of thumb we've had is never yell. It seems dumb because I'm totally a yeller, but it really does respect the other person and makes me think before I open my mouth, which then keeps me from saying dumb or spiteful things. Most times ;)

    -The second? Be open and communicate about sex EARLY ON! If you don't it gets weird later.

  8. Paula, Thank you so dearly for visiting. The challenge has been such a stretch for my creative process and writing muscles!

  9. Karissa my dear, of course. Every marriage has got it's different ebbs and flows and it's so nice to be a pair in those moments! :)

  10. Lauren, thank you for visiting... Dear Ashten rocks!

    We spent the first year really working through the how the hell does this marriage thing work phase. Some days it was how does it work when we're having fun and others were how does it work when we're not... No one tells you there's a learning curve that comes with the honeymoon period! :)

  11. So bitchy. Especially if it's a bad day. Or too warm. Or too cold. Or I'm hungry.

    We take "quiet" nights every once in a great while to allow ourselves room to be grouchy. A hard day at work or a project that's got us thinking intensely can easily turn to irritability with one another, so we share that we're off, that we don't want to fight, and then keep quiet. The next morning is all the sweeter!

  12. "The important point here, we don't dwell on disagreement, but honor the beauty of holding true to opinions that differ." I couldn't have said that any better myself. Adam and I incredibly similar, but in some aspects, we are complete opposites. It's better when we take time to realize that neither is "right or wrong" but both valid viewpoints. Great advice friend!


  13. What about argue naked? Do you know that the last thing I want to do when I'm angry is strip my clothes off?!? Though it may end up being funny, there's no way I'm going to angrily pace around the house in the nude.

  14. I'm talk super fast and super loud when I'm mad and I don't let Jason get a word in edgewise. He's called me on it a couple times and ughhhh it infuriates me, but he's so right, it's not fair to dominate those conversations. :)

    Sex and communication. It can be so hard without you even realizing it. And the weirdness can just creep up on you! So true girl.

    Thanks for reading and responding, Julianna. It's such a compliment.

  15. I am going to take everything you said and put it to works. Being married, oh you know 3.5 weeks now haha, it will come in handy.

  16. Love this post ! I am not married yet, but you're definitely right about many points, especially the "don't talk about work" part ! However, I really can't sleep after a fight ! ^^ Luckily my boyfriend feels the same and we often talk a little about it and then have a good night sleep !
    Have a nice week-end :)

  17. No one has said it better. You hit the nail on the head!! You are the best wife. Ever. x

  18. I love this!!!! Amen sista. New follower. Love your blog.

  19. Welcome Sierra! Thank you for the love and for sticking around for a more serious reading relationship! :)

  20. Thanks Mathilde... You'll get married and realize that only some of the "wisdom" people share with you is ACTUALLY wise. Work takes up enough of our days and why add it to the free time in our evenings?! Happy Saturday love! :)

  21. Love how you challenge old happy marriage 'truths' and share your own list of advice. I love this gem: "Respect your spouse, then communicate with them." so true, and really applies to all relationships. What works well for me, before I start venting or blaming the other person, is to take a moment to remember what I love about them, why I respect them so much. This changes my approach to disagreements and makes me less defensive every time.

  22. Love this post! Not married yet (29 days, eeek!), but I agree with this so much!


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