Friday, July 26, 2013

Life's Tough: getting a helmet ain't gonna help a lick.

Today I want to run. Far as my legs will carry me. Deep into the distance. And not look back. And today isn't the first time I've felt this way. 

It's not a pack up my things and move somewhere needing a new adventure desire. It's a terrified, wishing for the comfort of rituals, disappear for an undetermined amount of time sort of run. There's no glamour to it. Not a "road trip" sort of run, it's an escape-seeking desperation that burns deep within me.

I'd never do it. Or, at least, that's what I tell myself. 

But life gets that shitty. And sometimes, just sometimes, for a few minutes, I imagine running. Far, deep, and with reckless abandon. 

It's got nothing to do with anyone else. I love Jason so heavily it's suffocating at times. My need for my Mama Bird is much like a newborn's need for its Mama, just more complicated. To describe the way I'd miss my Bubbas is impossible. And my identity which only seems to make sense in my hometown, my place, would be lost on more than just me. 

It's got everything to do with the blurry tears in my eyes. The hollow hole boring it's way through my heart over and over again. The shake in my knees and the pit in my stomach that seem more natural than not after the last few days. It's got nothing to do with the people I love, and everything to do with the disease that I ABHOR

Right now, life is shitty and hurtful and uncomfortable. It seems to heave pain and suffering unabashedly about which bruises my fragile, peachy heart.  It makes me want to run. Run, run, run. And yet, my heart refuses. Though my flesh and mind long for that away, my heart knows its place. Here, in this moment. This painful, hideous, exhausting moment. Soaking in pure ugly. 

And while I want to run deeply, desperately, and quickly, He says no. He says, be still. Know me. Know my strength, my power, my will. You're running the good race by choosing to halt. You're acknowledging the faintness of your fleshy self, that makes me proud. Hold on little one. Hold on to me tight. And don't move a step. Just be still

I'll be damned for going the distance. So I'll be still. For now. It's a moment by moment choice. It's unnatural, uncomfortable, and unusual. But, it's glorifying to Him. And that's what I believe my end goal is here: to bring Him something that looks glorious, even if it be scratched, dinged, and a bit tarnished. 

Today, I don't have a prayer.
Instead, I request your prayers.
For my pacing mind. For my restless feet. For my flesh-drowned heart.
May I be still. Steep in His provisions.
Let the burn to run escape my soul in tears, not steps.

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.
-"Be Still My Soul"

1 comment:

  1. Sweet Amber,
    May you rest in the comfort of others prayers of peace and perhaps just "letting go". Your beautiful words and feelings are so heartfelt it seems that you will break apart and I hurt for you. I know this feeling and thankfully tender mercies will appear and all that hurt will feel better. It won't be gone but less painful and there will be joy.
    love you~

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