Monday, July 29, 2013

In that annoying moment when dementia teaches you something else...

"I will give you thanks, for you answered me; you have become my salvation. 
...The Lord has done this, and it is marvelous in our eyes. 
The Lord has done it this very day; let us rejoice today and be glad." 
-Psalm 118:21, 23-24 

will: (verb) intend, desire, or wish to happen
become: (verb) begin to be, grow to be, turn into 
rejoice: (verb) feel or show great joy and delight

Last week, dad had a grand mal seizure. Almost ten minutes of shaking, followed by an ambulance ride, hours in the emergency room, and a few days of hospitalization. He lived. We feared of his suffering, his feelings, his pain. Yet, our fears were not realized. He lives.

We have spent many months asking God for a sign. Screaming, pleading, praying, begging for something that said, "Yes my children, he is ill. This dementia will take him from you and bring him to my heavenly side." Finally, He answered us. He heard our cries and acted boldly, undeniably.

So, we rejoice. Today, I find joy through the seizing body of my father. The convulsions that shook him physically, rocked me spiritually.

In the hideousness of such sorrow, such deep fear; I will allow His message -Amber, I'm here, I'm taking care of you, of Popsicle, of Mama Bird, of the family- to become my savior in this circumstance. While I could spend my days trying to figure it all out (and I have tried previously), I relinquish that desire. Instead of seeking control and answers, I choose to rest in the freedom He provides me. Allowing Him to be Lord over every bit of my life is challenging... But joy-filled. Over His strength, timing, control, action, grace, I will rejoice.

While He's managing dad's disease and its timeline, I am afforded the chance to be. Dad's seizure reminded me of His eternal plan for us. Whether our fight with dementia ends tomorrow or a year from tomorrow, Christ's offer stands unchanged. I am free to focus on how best to write, speak, pray, read for His glory. So, I do. I will. I am.

God,
Thank you for your gift of freedom from sin, from fear, from death.
Instead of working to control the uncontrollable, I let go.
You are the all good, all great, all grace. 
I will lean into you Lord.
I will be marveled by your strength, your plan, your answers.
Amen.

3 comments:

  1. What a beautiful heart you have. God is so good even in the darkest, hardest moments.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Always praying for you and your sweet family my friend. God is good x

    ReplyDelete
  3. thank you. that's it. plus a hug and a sent prayer.

    ReplyDelete

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