Monday, June 24, 2013

It's About Choices Now [Hunger Series Part 2]


I was always the athletic, skinny, boy-bodied girl until I wasn't. Until puberty hit and these things called hormones took over sending my hips into birthing stance, my boobs into D-cups, and my thighs into constant contact with one another. Then, I wasn't the athletic, skinny, boy-bodied girl anymore. Instead I was a curvy woman. This change, though normal and healthy, wasn't exactly what I'd wished for. I was happy with my small chest, runner's body, and strong legs.

After graduating from high school I moved to college. The chance to grocery shop as I liked, the nutrition (or lack thereof) found in cafeteria food, and the stress of a new routine (I am a stress-eater) were challenging on my body and mind. Working out fell on the back burner and I let myself gain. Coming home for summer after my freshman year I hopped on the scale and was terrified by the number. 

So I dieted. I worked out. All in healthy doses, all in moderation. Until I went back to school. Then I did the opposite of my habits from the freshman year. I joined a sorority and was busy as all get out. Sometimes so busy I'd "forget" meals. I kept on myself to run and keep in shape. Not giving myself a day off from hitting the road. 

I met a sweet boy who I clicked with easily and comfortably. I was a carb-loving half marathoner who preferred pasta dishes and distance to protein and weights. He, on the other hand, had an affinity to protein and heavy things. We clashed at the dinner table time and time again. That clash only reflected the inner dialogue I was constantly experiencing. I kept on myself to run and keep in shape. But that sweet boy showed me grace and required me to do so for my body and, more importantly, suseptible spirit. 

The internal fight continued on and on for years. Pinching the pudge around my belly button, checking out the muffin top around my waistline, frustration waxing and waning with the cycle of the moon. Until one day I realized I was constantly depending on a future event -rush, graduation, marriage, life- to be that moment where I'd get the diet and exercise thing down... But tomorrow never came. In fact, tomorrow continued to be a far off day. 

I thought losing weight would fix the body issues. Nope. Then graduating college. Still nothing. Marriage had to do the trick. Nada. Turns out the fight's as much a part of my personality as my dry sense of humor. Ugh. Now, instead of a battle, it's about choices. Choosing healthy when I can, choosing grace when I don't, choosing to celebrate with food and drink like my soul loves. 

Some encouragement in His word today: 
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, 
so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."
-Romans 15:13

May we overflow with Him today, instead of with the doubts, annoyances, shortcomings
that make us human. It's difficult as all hell, but it's one step, one moment, one choice at a time.
We can do this. You and me. We can do this. 


[None of this is dietary advice... Rather an examination of my process of faith. 

I believe in being healthy physically, spiritually, emotionally... 
This health requires a balance. Said balance is delicate and exhausting. 
I, by no means, have it right.]

3 comments:

  1. Oh Amber, where have you been my whole life! This is my life story soul sister - I could have written this post word-for-word as you did...

    i have always thought I was the wrong size, always too big, too flabby, too unfit! But then I get bigger or wobblier and I look back to realise how perfect I was before...

    I haven't quite reached the same point as you, I still have my days that i struggle to accept the way I am is how I will always be - especially with the idea of growing and birthing another two children! But I am trying, trying to love me for me!
    x

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  2. i tried to comment on this yesterday, but it didn't work, but i had to come back and tell you what a thoughtful piece it is. it really is about choosing grace when you feel like you aren't perfect, and always striving to improve, but never punishing yourself when you can't do it as fast as you think you should.

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  3. I love this, thank you for sharing. I have been struggling so much with my weight/health. The part where you said you were always waiting on a future date to get started and do it right, yeah that's totally me. I keep telling myself that I need to do it NOW instead of relying on some future day to change.

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